May 13, 2011

Chapter Thirteen

Songs I rocked to write:
'Memorial' by Explosions in the Sky


My eyes land immediately on his feet.

On his chucks.

It's almost comical that this is what I find myself stuck on.

Why is he wearing them?

Why aren't they shiny and black and expensive looking?

Or why isn't he barefoot?

I'm borderline angry.

At shoes.

He searches for his words with frustration, shaking his head back and forth slightly.
"Isabella...don' don't..."

His words trail off and I hear him exhale deeply through his nose, as if to calm himself.

When he speaks again, he sounds less frustrated.

"I'm sorry to show up like this. This way."

He frowns down at the porch as he speaks, but looks up at me when he's finished.

My left side is leaning against the edge of the door. I'm not sure what he expects me to say.

So I say nothing.

I'm still trying to handle him being here at all.

"Do you mind if I come in? I just..there are...things that I wanted to say. To you."

I ignore the nervousness that saturates his voice. I don't recognize it.

Not from him.

And do I mind?
Of course I mind.

I don't want him here.

I don't want him here with his casual clothes and his messy hair.

I don't want to have to acknowledge the differences about him. How they're screaming out at me.

I don't want to have to acknowledge the similarities about him. How there hardly are any.

I don't want my long dormant curiosity about him resurrecting itself.

Wordlessly, I step aside and wait until he passes through the doorway...still avoiding looking him in the eye.

I don't know why.

Morbid curiosity perhaps?

In any event, I'm impressed with myself for still being upright. I wonder if it appears as composure to him.

He keeps his distance from me as he steps inside and I softly close the door behind him.

It feels like the slightest noise could puncture the atmosphere.

Seeing him here, in my what my life is now, is surreal. To have him transplanted from the past and dropped into the present is beyond strange.

He has his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and I watch the back of his head as he gives my home a casual perusal.

Funny. I'm completely unfamiliar with this view of him.

It was always my back to his front...

Stop, Bella.

The wide neck of his thermal shirt sits just low enough in the back that I catch a small glimpse of black ink.

I realize the death grip I have on my wallet and set it down on the table by the door.

Money. On a table. Near the door.

My mind makes the connection with ease, the image of a white envelope flashing behind my eyes.

When I turn back to face him, he's turning as well.

I feel cheated out of a proper reaction.

I had no warning. No preparation.

I feel put on the spot. Under scrutiny.

What does he want from me?

"Isabella, can you please look at me?" He speaks calmly, but with authority.

And it pisses me off.

I'm not sure if there was actual audacity, or if it was imagined on my part.

I may very well be overreacting, but it can hardly be helped.

The last several minutes perform a replay in my mind.

Eyes down, Bella?


Fuck. That.

I raise mine and challenge his in an instant. And I really hope it comes off as confident.

Because I feel like I might vomit.

All over the fucking Chucks.

I suddenly feel a wave of defensiveness crash over me. I don't want to show him weakness. I don't want to submit as much as an ounce of compliance to him.

I think he's had just about enough if that from me.

For a handful of moments, neither of us speak.

Just stare.

I swear I can feel my heart tapping on my rib cage.

His face is...beautiful.

And I want to reach up and smack myself across the face. I briefly consider actually doing it. Maybe if he thinks I'm crazy, he'll leave faster.

He's looking at me intently...searching my face it seems.

Looking me over.

I wish he'd stop it.

"What do you want?"

And when I speak, the anger I bite out at him with is actual, not imagined.

It doesn't completely smother out the intimidation that he carries with him, though.

Like a cloak, it drapes itself on my shoulders and weighs down my mind and body.

It's been so long since I've felt this particular brand of nerves. The one that only this man seemed to ever have brought out in me.

I can't get a handle on myself. So many many feelings bombard me all at once.

This isn't fair.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

I don't want to deal with this.

I don't want him here.

I can't think straight when he's looking at me how he is.

His face is all wrong.

His eyes...they're all wrong.

To be standing here, actually maintaining eye contact with him, is overwhelming me.

All of his trademarks are gone.

I realize that without anger...without disdain...without a cocky smirk or a disgusted glare...

I don't recognize him at all.

"I, uh..." More back of the neck rubbing. I find it ironic that he breaks eye contact first. When his gaze falls to the floor, I see his jaw clench.

He seems irritated.

It's the first glimpse of the Edward I remember.

The familiarity that it represents registers immediately. I'm at once wary and...relieved? Seeing even a fraction of the old him is strangely abating to my nerves.

I just...stare. I don't know what else to do. I suppose in another lifetime...under different circumstances, I might have had mercy on him. I might have put him out of his misery...took the pressure off.

Maybe offered up some small talk...

Please, have a seat.

Can I get you something to drink?

How have you been?

How is your family?

The intrigue I feel about the words he's yet to speak dominates the entirety of my consideration, leaving no room for anything else.

The ball is in his court.

So I wait. And watch him. It's surreal to be able to and at his request, no less.

Shifting eyes.

A swallowing throat.

A hand attacking hair. Tugging. Pulling.

Steeling himself.

And then he's looking at me again. And speaking. All irritation erased.

Or maybe...overcome?

"Isabella, I owe you an apology."

I narrow my eyes at him, trying to get a read on what is happening here.


"What happened...what we did...what I did..." He stops and looks down at his feet, shaking his head.

His hands are jammed into the pocket of his jeans and for a moment, he looks angry.

He looks up at me then, eyes blazing.

When he starts talking again, it's with more force to his voice.

"It was wrong. I was wrong. There were...are...reasons. For who I was then. I didn't-"

He cuts himself off. Rubbing his forehead, he exhales a heavy breath. He's struggling to get the words out. They're coming choppy and rushed. He's nearly babbling.

I stay absolutely still...and silent, regarding him warily as he continues. He shifts on his feet and scrubs one hand over his face, the other never leaving his pocket.

Whatever he may have been about to say, he's changed his mind.

"Look, I just wanted to come here and do the right thing. To apologize. It shouldn't have happened, so..."

He trails off and stares at me.

Throughout his entire speech, he's seemed to have struggled with more than just the words. It's like he's controlling himself.

And then I put my finger on it.

He's reigning himself in. The anger...the malice...the harshness that were always a constant to me.

They're what's missing.

They're what he's reigning in.

What he's controlling.

Fighting off.

He's still regarding me, looking somewhat expectant. And beyond uncomfortable.

You and me both, buddy.

I find myself in the hot seat, doing a little foot shuffling and throat clearing of my own. I fold my arms across my chest and hate that I can't just close my eyes and make him disappear.

"I, um...I appreciate that. Thank you." I begin with my eyes on his, and end looking at the floor.

I can't believe this is happening . That he's here. In my house.

That I'm having a normal conversation. With Edward Cullen.

Granted, he's apologizing for a period of time when he angrily used me as a living sex doll, but it still counts as normal in comparison to our past conversations.

Or lack thereof.

"Yeah." He nods and runs a hand through his hair.

Had he always done that? I don't remember it.

When he speaks again, I'm very glad about my position in front of the door because the surge of anger I feel rocks me.

"Are you okay, Isabe-"


My eyes clench shut and I shake my head.

"Look, you said what you came to say. Let's not do this whole 'done you wrong' thing, okay? It is what it is. I'm not hung up on what happened. You shouldn't be either. It's no big deal."

I don't want any part of whatever it is he's pitching.

I don't want his pity.

Why the fuck can't he leave it alone?

I shrug with nonchalance.

And I know it's a low blow before I even say it.

"We both got what we wanted, right?"

His face, which had worn a careful expression, morphs at my words.

His jaw clenches again and I almost miss how he cringes slightly. But then I see anger there. Again.

I don't recognize me.

This bitch I'm being.

Even more reason for him to go.

I open the front door, keeping my hand wrapped around the knob and my eyes anywhere but on him.

He nods and walks toward the door. To do so, he has to pass me. And when he does, he pauses and turns his head toward me.

There's only a couple of feet between us.

Too close for comfort, but I look up at him anyways.

His eyes are clouded with intent. He's conjuring his words.

And when he finds them, they're careful.

And sharp with conviction.

"It is a big deal, Isabella."

My eyes dart back and forth between his, and he does the same.

He isn't angry. But there's a defensiveness lacing his tone of voice.

I break the stare first...looking out onto the porch...beyond ready for him to be gone.

For the bombardment of uninvited emotions and memories to follow behind him.

I don't want reminders.

They're a waste of time.

I'm. Not. That. Girl. Anymore.

"Goodbye, Edward."

I want to lean over and spit his name out of my mouth as soon as I say it. It feels peculiar there.

He stares at the side of my face for several seconds before walking out the door and down the porch steps.

I close and lock the door behind him, pressing my back to it and breathing much harder than I need to be.

And when my takeout is finally delivered, I place it straight in the refrigerator. I fold the throw and replace it on the back of the couch, turn off the TV and make my way to my window seat.

I spend the rest of the evening staring at the stars and hating things that I can't forget.

But doubling my efforts to do so.



They don't pass as they always have.

It's small things at first, like forgetting to pick up my dry cleaning on Monday.

On Tuesday, I fake my way through my opinion on the prior thirty minute discussion during the weekly staff meeting. I hadn't heard a word of it.

Wednesday morning's client appointment was the worst I'd had since my first week on the job. I'd misplaced her wedding portfolio and called her by the wrong name. I'd only barely salvaged the account by bullshitting my way through the 'grand vision' I had of her special day.

Thursday found me in the break room of Windsor Events...chugging down a highly caffeinated cup of the sludge that was passing for coffee, trying to recuperate from a near sleepless night.

Friday capped the work week off nicely when I discovered that I'd forgotten to order the six fresh flower bouquet samples for one of our biggest wedding accounts. I'd avoided Kate's wrath by the time five o'clock came around, but knew better than to think it wasn't coming.

Saturday was the worst day yet.

With work to pass the time, I decided to do my grocery shopping instead, only to be home with said groceries packed away within two hours.

And it was so fucking quiet in the house.

I'd plugged my iPod into the speaker dock and played it on shuffle for hours while I poked around the house for things to sidetrack me from my thoughts.

My unwelcome, overbearing, no ending, Edward Cullen-induced thoughts.

It wasn't enough that he'd infiltrated my sanity once in a lifetime.

I was angry at him.

Angry at me.

Angry at him for making me feel angry at me.

I was spending every day running and avoiding and fucking everything up along the way.

My lack of sleep does nothing for the situation. I'm tired. And moody. And so ready to snap.

Even my morning runs, which were usually my refuge, had been tainted with all of the things that were getting really old, really fast.

I decided to lie down and take a nap. At least in sleep I can forget, right?

I'd showered after my run and didn't bother with anything other than a tank top and panties as I slid into bed.

The week catches up to me not much longer after my head hits the pillow. It's the first taste of mercy my mind gives me all week.

The burn is the first thing I feel.

Running down the line of my spine and radiating outward into every limb...

Every joint...

Every cell in my body...

Every bone.

I'm lying down somewhere. A bed?

Body versus mind.

My skin pulses hot and cold as they fight.

Fire and ice.

They war in the way they used long ago...

Need and revulsion.

Reckless and reasonable.

Want and disgust.

They reclaim their adversarial positions with ease, undeterred by time.

And I writhe in it.

Caught in the warpath, yet unfettered by the conflict.

Knowing which side of the line I fall on.

And then......then it all manifests, merging together and taking shape.


His voice.

"Did you miss me, Isabella?"

At the sound of it, and free of my consent, my body arches into the air.

My arms rest limply at my sides as my head lolls back.

The heat of his breath scorches my throat, stretched taut before him.

All I can feel is this.


My body trembles, lying at the feet of anticipation....completely at its mercy.

And his.

"You don't even know how to fight it, do you?"

His voice seduces my free will...mocking it, taunting it.
Dismissing it.

He doesn't lay a finger on me.

Not a single inch of him meets any part of me.

And yet, his hold on me is arresting.

"Isabella...let me in."

I feel my heels on the backs of my thighs as I submit, parting to allow him access.

Without a word.

Without a fight.

And the ferocity with which he drives himself inside me lifts my body off of the bed... and shatters me.

I scream out.

The pain is stinging.

The pleasure is agonizing.

Completely at his will, my body relinquishes.

He sinks into me.

Over and over and over again.

Hard and fast.

Far too much.

Not nearly enough.

And he's ruthless.

Just as I'd remembered.

Just as I'd fought to forget.

Authoritative...even when silent

His body seizes control over mine and bends it to his will.

"Do you feel that, Isabella? You fucking love it. Is this why? Huh?"

I still can't see him...can't see anything...lost in the rapture.

I can only feel...and yearn.

As much as I shouldn't want it, I can't resist the draw.

It beckons.

I report.

"Was it my face you saw when he touched you? My cock you craved when you spread your thighs for him? Is that why you couldn't fuck him, Isabella?"

I startle when his hand closes around my throat, squeezing just hard enough to make me work to breathe.

"That's it, isn't it? He didn't know..."

He doubles his pace inside me.

I thrash and choke on my scream.

"...he didn't know how to fuck you. How that uptight little pussy needs to be worked."

A searing pain shoots through my breast as his thumb and index finger clamp down and twist my nipple without mercy.

"But it's okay..."

Suddenly...everything stops.

All movement...all sensation as my body is released and falls back onto the bed.
Complete silence.

It's deafening.

The last thing I hear is a whisper. An echo in my ear.

It's eerie...a subtle threat.

"...because I'm here now, Isabella."

My eyes fly open and I clutch a hand to my chest as I try, in vain, to slow my heart beat.

My breathing is loud and shallow, piercing through the silence of the room...the house.

It felt so real.

Twin feelings of arousal and shame burn through me when I realize that my other hand is tucked into my fingers resting hot and slick upon myself.

Cheeks burning, I pull my hand out and head for the shower, hoping to wash it all away.

Knowing it won't be that easy.


When Sunday dawns, my morning run is wrought with dissatisfaction.


Hard as I try, I can't reclaim the serenity they once held for me.

I can't clear my mind and concentrate on the pounding of my feet on the pavement.

Or the rush of adrenaline that courses through me when I hit my stride, breezing through the quiet streets.

I'd moved to Wallingford, a neighborhood in northern Seattle, three years ago. I'd been working for Kate for almost two and had managed to save up enough to move out of the cracker box apartment I'd been in since graduating. And when I did, I knew I didn't want to live in the city. At least not in the heart of it. My house was the second I'd looked at, and decently priced for the area. So I signed on the dotted line and never looked back.

Well, until now that is.

I could blame it all on Edward, but I know it started before him. I've felt it creeping up on me for months now.

But he's not exactly helping matters, either.

That hollow feeling. I can't explain it. And I can't shake it. I dread the questions and doubt it triggers inside of me.

So I do the only thing I can.

I push it down.

The dream from yesterday is at the forefront of my mind. It doesn't succumb to my attempt at dismissal, settling itself in my line of focus and refusing to budge.

It'd been the first time I'd dreamt of Edward Cullen.

His taunting words run on a loop in my mind...

'Is that why you couldn't fuck him, Isabella?'

I push myself harder, increasing my speed as I round the edge of the lake.

It was over a year ago.

A company Christmas party. The first, and last, I attended. I should never have gone. It had been a particularly difficult week at work for me and I'd spoken to Renee that afternoon. I was worn down from that alone, but reluctantly let Kate talk me into showing up. It was crowded and loud and Renee's words were still reverberating in my ears. No matter how hard I'd tried, I never got anywhere with her. I never could.

I was feeling frustrated. In more ways than one. It'd been so long since I'd had any kind of...release. And it didn't look like it was changing any time soon.

He was some friend of a friend who'd been invited to the office party.

I usually never drink, but that night, I'd made an exception. I was on my third glass of wine when he approached me. Average height, average build, average face. Average Joe. Nothing notable. Nothing exceptional.

I don't even remember his name.

A few lame attempts at small talk, some one-sided flirting on his part and two increased blood alcohol levels later found me in a darkened conference room, perched on the edge of the table with my panties around my ankle.

I remember thinking that if I could just turn everything off I had with...him. , then maybe it would make things better. Make me forget. Like it had before.

I remember dodging his mouth when he tried to kiss me.

I remember his hands roaming over my skin...too softly.

I remember wishing he'd just bend me over and fuck me already.

Pull my hair.

Slap my ass.

I was sober in seconds, praying I hadn't said my thoughts out loud. I mumbled out an apology and ran as fast as I could. And I'd left him there, nothing more accomplished than some heavy petting.

To this day, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. How the hell I ended up in that room with a complete stranger. I still can't think of it without my face heating and becoming nauseous. Or acknowledging that it hadn't been the first time I'd put myself in a similar situation. I continue my run, long past keeping track of how many miles it's been, lost in my head.

Until about an hour later when I round the corner onto my street and spot an unfamiliar car in my driveway.

And the driver of said car...on my porch. Again.

I slow to a jog and make my way to the front yard, taking him in. He's wearing jeans again, this time with a black hoodie. His back is to me as he faces the front door, his hands on his hips. Just as I stop at the bottom of the stairs, he raises his hand and rings the doorbell. He must not have been here long.


He spins around, startled.

"Isabella. I rang the bell, but..."

He trails off and I'm confused about why. For about two seconds. That's about how long it takes for his eyes to drop from my face and run the line of my body. All the way down and back up again. He runs a hand through his hair and clears his throat, looking down at the porch.

Was he...did he just...?

And then I remember what I'm wearing. My running clothes. Black spandex shorts and red racerback tank top. I'm sweating like a pig, my hair sticking to my temples and my breathing still rapid.

"I...rang the bell, but obviously, you're not here. Or you are. Here. Now."

He pinches the bridge of his nose and looks away from me again.

"Um, yeah. I am. What are you doing here, Edward?"

Why in the world would he come back?

"The last time I was here was...disastrous."

I open my mouth to tell him that he's wasting his time, but he speaks over me.

"You made yourself clear last week, I know. But I didn't. It didn't come out right. It shouldn't have gone the way it did. I owe you more of an explanation. I owe you a better apology than that."

I cross my arms over my chest and consider what he's saying.

Do I really want to hear this?

Do I care?

What could he possibly say that would change anything?

He's looking at me. Patiently. Expectantly. He seems less frustrated this time. Still nervous and unbelievably altered from who he was once upon a time, but...calmer.

It couldn't hurt anything? Right? Besides, I need to try to relieve him of whatever sense of duty he feels he has to make everything all better. It's a waste of both of our time. I'll just tell him that he can't come here anymore. That I absolve him of whatever guilt he might feel. Whatever obligation he feels to make amends.

I look him square in the eyes and narrow mine.

"Ten minutes."

I walk past him toward the front door and bend over, pulling my house key from my shoe and straightening back up. I can feel his eyes on me from behind. He's quiet, presumably waiting for me to open the door, but I can feel his gaze on the back of my head.

Or on my ass.

Once inside, I close the door behind him and gesture silently for him to follow me. I walk through the small dining room that connects the living room to the kitchen. He quietly follows behind me. I head straight for the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of water, snapping the cap off and downing half of it before I remember myself. And my company.

Lowering the bottle, I reluctantly look up at him and point to it, asking without words if he wanted one.

"No. Thank you. I'm fine."

I nod and replace the cap back on my bottle, setting it on the granite top island between us.

Silences ensues as I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and cross my arms over my chest. I look up at him and he's resting one hand on top of the island, the other in his pocket.

I decide to put us both out of our misery. This is painfully awkward and all I want to do is get this over with so he can leave and I can take a hot shower.

"Look, Edward, this really is-"

"You look good-"

I'm sure I look as stunned at his words as I'm feeling.


He runs his hand through his hair...again. I'm actually surprised he has as much of it as he does, considering how much he worries it. His eyes dart nervously around the room before coming back to mine.

"I just look...well, Isabella. Have you been? Well?"

He coats his question in hesitance, no doubt because of the way I shut him down last week. I can't help but stare back at him for several seconds, trying to figure out his game.

As hard as I try to block it out, his voice from my dream invades my memory and distorts the what I see when I look at him. Instead of the trace of anxiety on his face and his relaxed body language, all I can see is the arrogant asshole. The cocky son of a bitch that my mind knows.

And it's him that I'm talking to now. Not the struggling, repentant man standing in my kitchen.

The words are out before I think them through, but I don't care. I'm tired of analyzing all of...this in my head.

"What are you doing here, Edward? Really? I mean, what's the point? You said your peace last week. And I said mine. I don't get why you're back. I don't have any interest in talking to you. In having anything to do with someone like you."

I can tell that I've taken him off guard. His mouth opens to talk, but closes it back. I continue on, before he can try again.

"You don't owe me anything. You didn't then and you don't now. I don't want anything from you. Except for you to drop this."

"Don't you think I tried?! It's been five goddamned years! Five! And...someone like me? You don't know shit about me! I'm trying to do the right thing here."

His composure is shattered now, but I barely notice, because Im not sure I ever even had any.

"There you go again. There is no wrong to right here. I'm fine! Just leave it alone."

"There is a wrong to right! My wrong doing. You don't get to tell me I can't do that. You don't get to take that from me."

My voice raises to match the volume of his.

"And you don't get to shove it down my throat!"

The unintended double meaning of my words isn't lost. On either of us. There's a stutter in the words we're hurling, but he recovers.

"That isn't what I'm trying to do. Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn? All you have to do is sit and listen."

I'm done. I've had enough. So I go for the jugular.

"What pisses you off more, Edward? That I won't hear you out, or that I'm not obeying you like a good little whore?"

Both of his hands are flattened on the top of the island as he leans on it. I hadn't realized until now, but I'd walked forward, my waist pressing into the edge of the counter. We're both breathing heavily, and staring the other down.

His jaw clenches as he pushes himself off of the counter.

"Okay. Fine. You win, Isabella."

He walks backward toward the doorway, pausing as he reaches it, his eyes never leaving mine. I maintain the stare, refusing to back down.

"But tell me...if there's no wrong to right, if you're so fine, then why is it so much easier for you to call yourself my whore than to hear me tell you that you didn't deserve it? That I'm ashamed of myself every day for what I did to you? Why was that easier than just hearing me say 'I'm sorry'?"

I blink back at him, unprepared to hear him say that. Sideswiped by the conviction in his voice. His eyes blaze at me, silently challenging me to deny it.

And I have nothing.

Without another word, he turns on his feet and disappears, the slamming of the front door marking making me jump in place.

What the hell just happened here?


carriewilson said...

Gah!! You're killing me!!!

troublefollows1017 said...

So great, Jada! Love that he called her out at the end. Can't wait to hear what he's been up to the last five years. :)

busymommy said...

uuuhhhmmmmm Yep. Pretty much speechless right now. Bella needs to settle some shit in her mind, though

ryan said...

Wow. Loved it. Just loved it.

evilnat said...

I loved it. Bella had a right to be angry but wouldnt she want an explanation!!!? i know i would! I almost feel bad for him. but not quite.

Joy said...

Wow. Another great chapter...

And next week, when Edward shows up again, he better fucking well bend her over that granite counter... and the couch with the neatly folded throw... and anything else of bending-over height...

Billi said...

Holy fuckballs! I mean damn, just damn. They are so fucked up... I can't wait to see what's next!
Honestly, I halfway expected them to jump each other.

Jenny said...

Bellaaaaaaaa....let him speak, we wanna know where the hell he's been for five years. Great chapter Jada, talk about building suspense!

j johnson said...

And so it begins.
Fucking brilliant.
Edward's last words to Isabella say everything. Isabella is not fine. And Edward's actions have been weighing on him for five years.
I can't tell you how anxious I am to find out more of what's happened to him in these past five years.
And that dream. Bella's dream. It doesn't seem like she's been able to be with anyone else since Edward.
He. Affected. Her.
He's been trying to get past what he did to her and how he treated her for the past five years.
She. Affected. Him.
I must say, I fucking love the heat that's still between these two. Bella wouldn't dare admit to it, but her dream says it all. And Edward can't even stop himself from checking her out in her tight sexy running clothes. There's a Roughie still in there somewhere.

Where do they go from here? There's no turning back for Bella. She won't be able to push this down. She's already tried and failed. And Edward wants to make amends.
"I'm ashamed of myself every day for what I did to you."

Fucking amazing chapter, Jada.
I can't wait to see what happens when they see each other again.
Thank you.

none said...

that was an evil move.

to leave it there! when it was getting sooo good.

thanks for the update.

RoseArcadia said...

IDK, the ending seemed weird to me...
*OUCH!* I'm kidding, I'm kidding, UNCLE!!!!

You know I loved it! ;)

TwiRK_World said...

WOW! I mean WOW!!!!!
What a great chapter! No clue given on when to expect the next one but please don't leave us hanging long. Roughie is turning soft? 5yrs and their feelings are so intense and it makes me wanna burst!
Thanks for picking exactly the right words to get my heart racing and my mind guessing, brilliant!

bella ami said...

Pretty sure I held my breath from the moment she saw him on her porch after running until the end...OMG Jada this is brilliant writing! The suspense is killing us all!
We're all reading in anticipation of the biggest lemon of the year and well...he called her out on her bullshit instead!

Amy Fontaine said...

God, tension much? The entire time I was reading this I was so nervous. I was worried Edward wouldn't come back but I knew he would. I was just worried it would take him another 5 years to come back.

SweetLips said...

Go Bella. She had every right to be angry at Edward. Finally she didn't back down and let him control her. But I do think she should have listened to his explanation. After 5 years. Slow motherfucker lol.
Also kudos to Edward for GETTING HER. Bella would rather believe that she's his whore and take the pain than hearing that she didn't deserve his wrath.

Great chapter!

Kbtoyz18 said...

so what happens now? i feel like im left in the dark.

FanFicCrazy said...

What a great chapter Jada! Brilliant underlying stuff there too! I totally get why she thinks, or is trying to convince herself, at least on the surface, that it's not that big of a deal. After the first time, she knew what he wanted. She went along. She loved the rough stuff but not the degrading stuff.. Totally understand that! But no matter what she thinks/tries to make believe, she's traumatized by it. Traumatized because she both loved and hated it. Of course, that my take on it but it's your story of course! LOL So we'll see where you take them!

I can't wait to find out where he's been and what he's been doing for the last 5 years. And also what happened before that!

I love it, can't get enough!

flyrbrd said...

Fabulous chapter! I can't wait for Bella to answer the question ;)

Julika7 said...

Great chapter....Edwards last words at the end of the chapter say some thing about Bella's character that is so true, she also has some issues she needs to work on. Looking forward to the next chapter!! =) Thanks for sharing this story with us!!

SoCalTwiNurse said...

OME!!!!!!!!! Fucking fantastic chapter!!!!!

Totally agree w/ everything J Johnson said above!!!!

Please update again soon!!!!!

Lovie said...

Great chapter! Can't wait for more!

Safak said...

I'd love to live in your mind for just one day. No? Ok, 15 minutes then. I might get addicted though.
Seriously, thank you for FYW.

Anonymous said...

I'm disappointed at Bella. She needs to deal with her shit not avoid her past and run. And all these one night stands she's been having are not a way to deal with your insecurities Bella! Wake up girl!

Miss Baby said...

Great chapter! I'm glad that Bella stood her ground and didn't just let him waltz all over here but I do hope she'll give him the chance to explain in the future. I think she needs it just as much as he does.

B. said...

Ghh.. I can't do that. One chapter at a time is killing me!!!!
I love love love love love love and adore this!!! This chapter was SO not what I expected, but I LOVED IT. Like BIG TIME! Fuck awesome.
Will you post the EPOV in the blog? I'd love to read it!

NKR said...

ACK I wasn't sure where any of that was leading to. What'd she'd say to him and what he'd say to her. I didn't know if he'd come back after she made him leave. I almost thought she'd end up breaking down and going to talk to him.

I agree with what Edward said at the end. Obviously it's effected her more than she's letting out, especially after the dream. It was a low blow for her to call herself a whore. I kind of hope he feels super guilty about her still feeling that way about herself. If he'd only been honest with her to begin with she wouldn't be struggling so much.

You can see what a good man he is or has the potential of being with him coming to apologize not once but twice. Maybe she'll give him a chance? I don't know. I wouldn't think Edward would put himself out there like that again... not by coming to her. She might have to go to him this time. She needs to swallow her pride; hear him out and get her feelings off her chest.

I'm so glad you are doing an outtake for F4Tsunami!! Can't wait to read it.

Anonymous said...

I loved that Edward can see how messed up she is,and that it's been eating away at him over the years what he did to her.I want to find out what else he wanted to say to her,was he going to explain what happened with the baby? His family?
Bella has been affected more than she wants to admit herself that's why she had the dream.She has spent much of her life just ignoring the issues she has with herself she won't admit she has a problem.

Fardus said...

So good, I didn't want the chapter to end. Edward is right Bella is really messed up also, maybe now he has pointed it out to her she'll realise it. I did want her to hear him out as I want to know what made him change. Like everyone else I can't wait to read the outtake! :)

TheRugbymom said...

How could she let him out of her sight again?

Doesn't she know she can never be whole w/o him?

addicted-to-bedward said...

Oh, after hearing that, I'd go after him and bring him back. no, after hearing the first apology...I would have kept him close and allow him to talk.
I can tell he is a good man, but apparently Bella can't. Maybe she will, now.
Great update, as always.

meadowgirl552 said...

Bella doesn't want an explanation because once he explains she will know more about him, and she will be forced to feel and possibly have to think about her place in allowing herself to be mistreated by him and everyone in her life and those precious feelings of hers will finally have to be acknowledged. There is a big, big implosion/explosion on its way... how she chooses to release how she is feeling will be interesting. She has the upper hand in a way because she is now in control of the situation as it exists between herself and Edward. He has a visceral need to express himself to her because she did affect him and he affected her. The attraction is there... waiting and lurking. CANNOT WAIT to see who makes the next move.

Fantasymother said...

You've done a wonderful job, these last two chapters, of outlining what a complete mess Bella is. Not from what happened with Edward - because if she wasn't already a basket case it wouldn't have happened. She's a woman whose been in need of therapy - extensive therapy - for years, and she's just encountered a man who, I am supposing, has just been that route.

Hitchy said...


*deep breaths*

*deeeeeep breaths*

Bella feels like a whore. Well, okay. She was one. It may be harsh, but it's true. He paid her for participating in sex acts and she did it and took the money. That is the definition of being a whore. That doesn't mean any of it was justified... but it IS true. She fucked him for money. Repeatedly. The fact that she liked it, and the fact that it was about moer than the money for both of them doesn't negate the exchange of it.


He ruined her for other men. That sucks. Even if it IS understandable.

She's made the last five years of his life torturous because he can't get over what they did... regardless of why they did it.

They need to fuck this out.

Shit, I mean fucking work this out. Yeah... yeah that one.

I see a D/s relationship for these two. Bella likes the way he fucked her. He liked fucking her that way. He's having trouble with his arousal just being around her (hands in pockets indeed). He's probably pissed at himself for being so aroused by her body and the memories of how he fucked her when he saw her again. Because they're both trying ot move past it.

Gah. What a waste. Great sex is hard to find. Fuck it out, then talk it out, then fuck again I say!

I've got verbal diarreah today. Time to go.

Loved this. It's a hot one, as usual Miss Jada.

LaShanda Batts said...

More. Please. Now.

MarchHare5 said...

Freaking hell. Love this so fucking hard. Love that you're not letting either of them have it easy.

ksw3 said...

WOW! I am almost speechless! I think Bella has some things she should say! She is not ok, but I don't think she realizes if. Edward seems to have it together more than she does it would seem. I would be so angry at him, I don't think I could hold it in! I think Bella made more of an impact on Edward 5 years ago than he cared to realize at the time. Maybe next visit they can stay in the same room together for a longer period of time? LOL! Thanks for the update! Loved it! Your writing is very intense and emotional! You have a way of bringing your readers right into the room And minds of these characters!

Beth said...

Holy shnikes! That was intense. I can't wait to see who goes to who now and to find out just what Edward has been up to for the last fiver years. Poor Bella! She's so lost! Great chapter! ~Isannah

gwenap said...

This is why I LOVE your writing so much Jada:
"It feels like the slightest noise could puncture the atmosphere."

ONE sentence and you've painted a vivid picture of the emotion and tension in the room that your readers can feel. All of your words are used for good reason, and I savor everyone of them. No long ass paragraphs of meaningless dribble.

Here again:
"Like a cloak, it drapes itself on my shoulders and weighs down my mind and body." The emotion is palpable, and so beautifully expressed, in so few words.

Roughie has changed so much. Do we even call him that anymore? I'm looking forward to hearing what's happened to him in the last 5 years to bring on such enormous change.

As far as Bella, I'm proud of her for growing some balls and saying what's on her mind. At the same time, what in the hell is it going to take to get her to acknowledge her past, pain, and allow herself to feel? BellalCullen is NOT going to be happy with her...AT.ALL! I still love her, though, and am hoping upon hope that Edward doesn't give up. I'm sure he won't but what's it going to take? I'm afraid to find out what her breaking point will be. I know you'll have me sobbing like a baby, once again.

As usual, fantastically written and emotionally packed. Great job, Jada! Thank-you!!!

kimjhill said...

SHIT...JUST SHIT....this has got to be the only story that I have ever read that literally has me sitting on the edge of my seat when you post an update.. and what is so intriguing is it so different from unexpected chap MUST have some resolution and?or confrontation or I may spontaneuoly have got me by the balls jada....dont make us wait too long ;)

Людмила said...

I love this story, I just hope you won't turn into a 'psychiatrist helped Edward' kind of story. I really really like him rough LOL

Anonymous said...

Thank You!!! Great update.

kimjhill said...

Gah! sorry for compring fyw to someone else's story....must have lost my mind ;) Regardless ,great chap and can't wait for the next update !

sharon said...

Ummmm, was that an apology?
She needs to get some shit straight but Edward can't push her further just to complete his 12steps either.....
Quite the task you've taken on miss jada...

luvmesumrob said...

Love love fucking love this story.
What great update. I love when she "went for the jugular"
I can't wit to see what's happened to him, why he's changed?
Please do update soon (-:

weedstert said...

When will she realize she can't deny what he did to her, what she allowed him to do to her? It's the story of her life. I hope she will let him talk to her. It might help her come to terms with her own demons.
Fabulous chapter..thanks :)

Nonita said...

You're killing me...Next update can't come fast enough!

Anonymous said...

Wow girl, you really knocked it out of the park with this one! Bella said EVERYTHING I wanted her too! I've always had a problem with E and B's "arrangement" because it seemed like Bella was just broken, like she didn't feel she deserved someone to just love her, or cherish her, or even protect her. Edward had some serious issues with women apparently, and I couldn't help but think he took advantage of her. It's one thing to enjoy a scene or even an ongoing lifestyle with someone that you trust, that you can feel normal affection from outside of the arrangement. B and E had the polar opposite of that, and I'm probably way off but I never felt it was a healthy road to be on for Bella. So now Edward feels shame for how he treated her. I do think he's right, his parting comment nailed it. If she didn't need reparation he would not be able to make her feel so bad. I'm so, so anxious to see where you take this--your writing is amazing!!!

Twilight1972 said...

Seriously... we are hanging by a thin thread here. I am not sure who is going to snap first me or Bella.

Fantastic chapter as always. I don't think there has been a chapter yet that I didn't finish the last sentence and hope that there was just one more paragraph. I'm as addicted as Bella...

Anonymous said...

Excellent chapter. I think you captured the tension and inter-play between these two brilliantly, making it feel very real and authentic - I could totally imagine their conversations going down just as you described. You have a real flair for dialogue, which isn't always the case in fanfic - it's harder than one would imagine to portray conversation - especially in such heated and difficult circumstances - which rings true.

Clearly, these two are going to meet again, although I can't imagine Edward willingly volunteering to put himself on the line a third time with Bella. I wonder if she will seek him out when her dreams and her curiosity become too much to bear. Looking forward to finding out.

Princesspeach said...

Wow...that What the hell happened, indeed? I am nearly as gobsmacked as Bella. And hanging by a thread until your next update.

You're going to be the DEATH of me, woman!

joli cullen said...

I'm dying
What the hell happened there
Edward apology
Bella being a bitch
Dom Edward she wants to
XD I want to die but not kill us
to pass

RNB said...

I love what you do!! Here's a song I think that you love. BTW I LOVE Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean!!!

LetRobstenLuv4ever said...

Yeah I would be really angry and nervous too around him and I understand her anger but I too feel sorry for him. He seems to have have a tremendous loss and it turnd him into the devil he was. It seems that Bella might need some counceling now. Or just some good loving from him.

suevain said...

OMG! This story is going to fucking have me up all night too! Poor Bella no one has ever let her fell like she meant anything to anyone. She has never felt like she is worthy of much has she? And Edward. Gah Edward! I am dying to know his story. His baby. What he has been doing. I hope he has a little roughie left and has learned some caring ways to love again too! This chapter was excellent! Every damn chapter just leaves me wanting more more more! I always start getting antsy when I know the chapter is about to end cause I am like nooooooooooooooo more more more!

Amber said...

Oh Bella, I get it, I do.. you haven't forgiven yourself, so how can you forgive him.

I love the story. Thank you for updating. Have a great weekend!

HeyCarrieAnn said...

OMG! wow!! Things are still intense with the two if them! she wants him so bad! I think he wants her too! So good! Thank you for your update!! love the new blog as well!!

Jennifer said...

Wow! He actually apologized, but Bella is really so far from being over it she won't accept it.
Thank you for updating so quickly! Made my day!!

fanofbones said...

Shit, what a fantastic chapter. I see what's happening here; he's probably in therapy trying to deal with everything, and she's in total denial that she was ever that way, ironic, really.
He is so fucking hot all lost and apoligetic.
Could you please quit your job and update every couple of days please?

kat said...

I've never understood why everyone thinks Edward was such a douche to Bella and that she should be so mad. Sure, he was an ass but she entered into it willingly, could have stopped at any time, and even really dug it toward the end. He got her off...she liked it. Even though it messed her up, she was into it. She's still into it, even if she doesn't want to admit it.It made her feel.

That being said, I thought their little arguement over her being a whore was very telling. She said "a good little whore" and he replied with "my whore". They may be dancing around it, but she belongs to him. Even her body tells her so.

I can't wait to find out what he's been up to for the last 5 years. You're killing me here.

That dream......le sigh.

Obsmama said...

so well done on the edge of my seat. where do they go from here!

Nim said...

This story is so fucking EPIC! JFC the epicness is just too much to handle. Loved every word!

j said...

what a good chapter. one complaint - you ended it :). can't wait to find out what is going on. will e comeback or will b now have to approach e?

Anonymous said...

Wow! Just don't know what to say-except.... I WANT MORE!!

angela said...

AAHHHH! Jadalulu you rock. Awesome chapter keeps us coming back for more. Love Edward's parting comment to Bella. You can just feel the sexual tension in that room.

Lulu said...

Holy fucking shit! You own me. Bella is so messed up over him. What he said is so fascinatIng and right on.

When they finally have sex again, whether it be sweet love or rough or a little of both, it is going to be so freaking EPIC. Beyond EPIC. Words will not describe. It will be LEGENDARY. LEGENDARILY EPIC. That's not even good enough.

Thank you for your quick update! I won't beg...


IWMEC said...

ugh it's SO good .. soooo good .. but i needed more .. i NEED more ..
she has to get it out of her system .. telling him that she's not his little good whore .. she had to say something like that and him to call her on her bullshit was awesome ..
we need more confrontation ... ur chapters used to be full of events and explosive and it's getting calmer and i can't take it .. im itching for more .. im itching coz im used to more from u
u'r so killing me here

Anonymous said...

"But tell me...if there's no wrong to right, if you're so fine, then why is it so much easier for you to call yourself my whore than to hear me tell you that you didn't deserve it? That I'm ashamed of myself every day for what I did to you? Why was that easier than just hearing me say 'I'm sorry'?" This says it all. Maybe that chink in Bella's armor that was put there with those words will open up a big enough fissure for Bella to actually seek out Edward. But I doubt it. I think Edward will have to continue to see her out.

What a great chapter, Jada! I wish it was longer, but then I always do. Baby steps, I know.

Twilights1Fan said...

Holy Cow woman you are the Goddess Of Suspense, I can't believe I still have so many unanswered questions. You gave us so much yet we still don't have enough.

I have so many questions.. Where has Edward been these past five years? Why has he he waited so long to confront his pasts with Isabella? He still craves her as evident by his actions and his ability to not let this thing between them go.

I hope that we get to find out more from Edward somehow. Why couldn't Bella let him get a word in edgewise? I feel so frustrated by their actions, both making it hard for them to get the closure they both want to put this behind them. What is Edward's angle anyway? What did he hope to gain by getting her to accept his apologies?

I look forward to your next update dear..Please don't keep us in suspense for long....I hope we get some answers to these questions in your next update..... Thanks for an Awesome chapter sweetie... I love ya Jada...♥


Anonymous said...

Of course he's right. He definitely had issues that he needs to apologize for, but she has severe issues because she has always been able to handle the negative things, the degrading things, rather than having him be nice and apologize. I get it that some people like rough sex, but that isn't so much what concerns me. If she wants rough sex than fine, but she seems to like, or at least be comfortable with, being degraded, and that isn't okay. I really hope she can start working through her issues, and when she finally gets together with Edward it is fine if they have a rougher sex life, but I hope she can also accept soft, tender and loving.

Kellie said...

Ending still gives me shivers. Edward pushed her into her own wall of denial.


Olena said...

Oh... um... yeah... wow! That was some intense shit in that kitchen. Bella is so fucked and not in a good way either. I wonder which one of them is more fucked up *shakes head*

I almost expected them to jump each other, but I'm guessing Edward spent a lot of time in therapy and wouldn't just jeopardize it all by doing that.

I wonder though, if Bella is such a sucker for abusive rough sex, and Edward has changed, would they be able to be together? I mean, would Bella like it if he made love to her instead of fucking her brains out?

Courtney said...

ooh he has a point. poor Bella tho. you know she's confused as hell so that's why she's rebelling at the thought of his apology. I can't wait to find out what happens next. keep up the great work. thanks again bye for now

karen4honor said...

NOICE!!!! *grins!* they both got a bit off the iceberg-sized chips on their shoulders!! much loves to you for the story update!

honeycrunch said...

Great chapter as always Jada. I cannot wait for the next update. This is the best FF I've ever read. I am so addicted to it. I love it, I really do. I think about it all night and day because it is so emotional and fascinating and suspenseful and enthralling. Thank you so much for this absolutely great story.

Anonymous said...

i can't blame Bella.... i guess someone apologizing to her is a strange concept. she knows one version of Edward and not a very good one. in her place i'll want to stay away from him too.
anyway, i need an update, like now (please don't shoot :P)
hope to find some answers next week or so from the outtake written in E point of view

karen said...

Holy smoke!!! What a cracking chapter....hell, its a cracking story. Back to the twiddling my thumbs now, eagerly anticipating the next update, lol.

lisazj said...

Bella's got more, way deeper issues than just what happened with Roughie. I think that what she did with him was just sort of "the straw that broke the camel's back", so to speak. At the time, Bella thought that no price was too high to pay to reach her goals, but I believe she found out that she was wrong. It's also something that she's never acknowledged to herself, that price.

That anger she's giving to Edward now is just as much, if not more, anger at herself. The way he treated her was so wrong, I've said it all along. But she agreed to it, she submitted every time. And she found that she liked it, needed it even. That's why she couldn't sleep with that random. He wouldn't be giving her what she needed. *Sigh* Nothing at all wrong with rough sex. Unfortunately, I'm afraid Bella's always going to want to associate the feeling of "whore" with it, even if it's what she needs.

Yeah, she's pissed at Edward, but I think only for showing her that about herself. Even if she can't quite bring it to the surface, maybe that's just another thing about herself that affirms for her that she's worthless.

I still don't get exactly what Edward is wanting to accomplish. I mean, I get that he's really wanting to make something right. Though just saying sorry here is woefully inadequate. What's that going to do for Bella? Even if she could sincerely accept it, that would make it ok for Edward to move on maybe, but really, how's that going to make it ok for her? Bella's issues are so deep-rooted. Roughie didn't cause her hollowness, though he may have been the last nail in her emotional coffin.

It's disturbing that Edward has been able to place such a hold over her again, simply by appearing in front of Bella and speaking to her. To apologize. And SNAP, just like that, she's consumed again. How is she going to be able to turn that loose and function again? After all, functining is ALL that she was doing anyway. Existing.

And he came back again. What is he really looking for? I will say that I was glad Edward called her on her bullshit before he walked out. Cause Bella really hasn't ever admitted the problem to herself.

So, Bella needs help. Edward needs....what? I certainly don't see any way possible for them to help each other but then, I can never ever figure out what you got planned bb! :P You are undeniably skilled at wrapping me in your web, I am so caught in this story!

Very well done chappie Jada, love yor style, how you take me into what is happening. Cannot WAIT to find out what happens next, I am completely in the dark as to where it might go. ;) Thanks for writing sweets, and sharing it. MWAH!

BellaBedazzled said...

OMG! You rock girl. Have mercy on us and don't make us wait too long for the next update.

reve2weaver said...

Ah, that dream.... where he isn't 'touching' her... that really got to me too.
I also really like the moment when she recognized that she hadn't seen his back before, except in a sort of metaphor for contraband film for his other secret life... it made a nice bookend for her being exposed in another way as he made his exit... again. GAH!

I mean... can this get any better? I said it before, but I will say it again, I am grateful for breathers between these riveting chapters because they give me a chance to recover and mull over all this lovely complexities that you unearth and let us delve into. Freud never had it so good.

Anonymous said...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! Poor Bella! She is one fucked up girlie over here!!
I'm glad that Edward insisted on coming back to her.
So many emotions stirred in me during this chapter that I can't even begin to identify. Roughie was definitely caught off guard but his comeback floored me!! Please please please update soon. I know this is only the beginning of a mind-blowing rollercoaster ride!!

tigger1 said...

Oh my God - intense...
They both need to talk... and to listen !!
I am not sure who is angier...
and whatever the pull was before is certainly still there now !
Can time, words and healing help them get past this ? Or is it doomed from the get go...
Excellent chapter...
Edwards Eternal

FunmbiE said...

"What pisses you off more, Edward? That I won't hear you out, or that I'm not obeying you like a good little whore?"

BAM! BAM BAM BAM! Thank you for saying this Bella. THANK YOU!
Really and truly I adore your Bella. And I'm fiercely protective of her. And I'm glad that she's protective of herself. No Edward. You don't get to just enter her life from out of nowhere and say what you want...even if it is to apologize. This can't be on Roughward's terms just can't.
I mean, I, as a reader, am ready to know what happens to drive Roughward to the point where he does those things to Bella. But if Bella isn't ready to hear it, then I don't think she should have to.

With that said, I am very worried for Bella. It's more than ok to like things a little rough (so to speak). But the fact that Bella only responds to such callous treatment worries me. She deserves kindness and gentleness and intimacy and love. *SIGH*

It is nice to hear Edward say Bella didn't deserve to be treated like a whore, and that he's sorry and regrets it. But like I say before, he needs to CALM DOWN. This HAS to be on Bella's terms...

...also, could Roughward's apology be party of a 12step alcoholics anonymous or something?

Thanks for this update Miss Jada! I def like Roughie more than before, but for now, its Team Bella for me! xoxoxoxoxo

Jennifer said...

Holy Shit!! Can't breathe!!!

I never wanted this chapter to end. I am so mad at them for not saying more!!

Really dying here! I want him to 'do the right thing' because he wants to and not because he 'should' or is trying to heal due to a sort of 'steps' thing. Maybe he meant he hasn't stopped thinking of her after she stopped contact when he said 'don't you think i've's been 5 goddamn years'...

Anyway, I know you won't disappoint for a minute.

This f'ing rocks!

jjwelborn said...

Holy crap... ANGST!!!!! Wondering where and how this is going to come about. Am I wrong for assuming that it will???

Love this even though it KILLS Me!!!


Anonymous said...

The suspense is killing me!

And Bella, chill the F out and let his hot ass explain. I get you're mad, but DAAAAMMMN.

I CANNOT wait to hear is explanation and what he's been up to within the past 5 years.

GREAT chappie Jada!!

byrd009 said...

I loved it!

I can't wait to find out why Edward is so hell bent on needing to apologize. Does he just want to get it off his chest? What does he gain by having Bella accept his apology?

I can get what Bella is feeling. Sometimes the "bad" stuff is easier to accept then the "good" stuff.

It was interesting that Bella was remembering the white envelope of money. Somethings you just can't shake.

I hope they get back to sexing it up soon! This h00r needs to read it!

Great job as always!


ROX0706 said...

JJJJJAAAAAADDDDDDDAAAAAAAAA WHY???? Why leave us wanting more damn it. We need the next chapter ASAP....sike just kidding you take your sweet time making chapter 14 amazing cause this shit is fuckawesome. Thanks for the update:)

pamcamcris23's FICtional Life said...

just like what "carriewilson said...
Gah!! You're killing me!!!"


Kelly said...

LOVE LOVE this fic! Seriously, it just gets better each chapter...right when I thought you outdid yourself, it gets even better!

Cant wait for more!

ELLC said...

I'm not sure you I feel worse for.

Is it Edward who obviously harboured a great deal of pain and lashed out on Bella. Only to now find a need to apologise for his behaviour with no success. Or do I feel worse for Bella, who has obviously lived a shell of a life and is probably feeling turmoil over her desire to be debased by Edward and her disgust within herself for feeling that desire.

Not sure.

I do know that this story rocks and I can't wait to see where you take this.

TheRainGirl said...

You cliffie little bitch. Love :)

DebbieCDC said...

Girl, you are killing me here!!! So what is it with E? Atonement? Confession good for the soul? Is he really going to explain it all? Jay-sus, B has got to hear him out whether she wants to or not. She's going nowhere, stuck in the past because of what happened between them. She's GOT to realize there needs to be closure - her dream ought to have told her that!!

OMG, I'm gonna die till the next update!!! You know you & Roughie own my ass right?

Dolly said...

Tension, stress, anger... You could almost feel it zinging around Bella's house each time they spoke. Where will they go now?

NinaFromSweden said...

As always you're leaving us with wanting more. The story has changed so much and I love it. Bella has become so strong and Edward has changed so much.
This story is getting better and better! Your writing is brilliant Jada.
Looking forward to the next chapter!

Anonymous said...

Well, it was about time he apologized and I'm glad he did. But he couldn't have expected her to let him do it without a fight. The tables are turned now and it is her turn to be in control and decide what she takes from him or not.
Her dream, I should call it a nightmare, was beyond disturbing. When I see that subconsciously she still wants him to debase and humiliate her, just so she can feel something, I realize how horribly what happened between them damaged her.
And I think he is at least starting to realize that too. He remarked very well that she preferred to call herself his whore than to hear that she didn't deserve the way he treated her. He might be shocked when he actually realizes how deeply damaged she is, and that his abuse only deepened her emotional numbness and her feeling of worthlessness, issues that sprang from emotional neglect.
But I'm sure he won't give up that easily, as he seems determined to atone, and also conscious that it will take a lot of work on his part to do it.
P.S. Sorry if I bothered you on twitter, asking when the update will be posted. I keep forgetting there are many others who do the same and it probably becomes nagging.

adonicass said...

LOL I tweeted to you my comments rather than post here- oh -wellm electrons are free, fight?

Your characters are writing their own dialog? See if you can get them to fold your laundry, too!

Love your words, bb.


Ketyane said...

OMG! Bella is so broken, with an empty feeling! The years she spent listening to the oppressions of the Charlie scored Bella so deep and the deal with Edward has only further exacerbate this condition, at first she thought she could then forget what happened between her and Edward, who would like nothing had existed, but did not, she cracked even more.

That empty feeling, thinking that something is missing, even though it has managed to grow professionally, improve their conditions, I think it is due to his lack of ties, she has no friends, no family, no one to talk. Kate works with Bella for years, and she still keeps a certain distance, she may be afraid to relate to people, or maybe she does not know how to do this, because all of the experiments where it actually was involved were disastrous, with parents and with Edward, for despite her attempts to deny and sweep "under the rug", it is undeniable that she is emotionally involved with Edward.

Bella has a very weird defense mechanism to deal with their problems, to abstract them, leaving everything in a hidden corner, without addressing them head on, without showing how you really feel, making it difficult to help yourself or be helped .

Who is this Edward!? I liked that he came back to Bella's house to apologize once again wanted to hear what he has to say. I think he is not doing this just to be good about yourself, I think he really cares about Bella, and he knows what evil did to her, he's very perceptive and he knows the Bella's acceptance is a disguise, he realized that , because the way she treated him with angry (yes, he deserves, but I was a little sorry!) and the way she sees herself,because was "easy" to her call herself "good little whore" like Edward called her a years ago. Can I think he watched Bella for all those years? =) I think for him it was not just something sexual, and it seems he still has feelings for Bella, those glances he gave her were very suggestives ...

Do not really know how to resolve this impasse, Bella mulling his anger, his insecurity and fear that this man re-enter your life and devastating her mind like his done in the past and even she suffers the consequences, I know, she has grounds for this, but as this will be? Edward coming back? He knows he has yet to fix what's wrong, he knows that Bella is broken, and something tells me that he watched Bella in the window watching the stars, before deciding to apologize:) I think he'll try once again, somehow their paths will cross again, but it will be difficult to knock down all the walls that exist between them, I think (I want) Edward will help Bella to find a her place, she'll stay comfortable with herself, to forget the ghosts of the past, can create ties and have healthy relationships, show her that she deserves to be loved....... RsrSrs I'm melted =P

I love your story, I love how you surprise us, as you can move the story.

Sorry for any wrong word or phrase without meaning, I'm trying, I would like to express myself better in English, but one day I get there.

Eager for the next chapter, for some answers and the Edward POV!

Jada, thank you!

Michelle said...

Dang it Bella! *WE* want to hear what he has to say!!!
Quite evidently, he has gotten some professional help with his issues (and Bella is certainly in need of some of that herself). Ball's in her court now, I wonder what will be the catalyst to have her confront him?

Thanks for the update!

girly613 said...

Wow!!lots changed in five years Eh?so cannot wait to hear e's story!love it bb.fantastic as always.

natasha said...

Aaaaagh! damn, girl- I am so desperately devouring every word of this story that I've almost gone blind! I think the black screen may contribute (thoughts, anyone?) but I frickin' loooooooove this! Please don't keep us hanging- please. btw not forgetting deep, heartfelt gratitude for the quick chap13 after the joy of such a recent chapter 12!

Luxie said...


I had no internet access yesterday. I will not admit to you what an insane mess I was yesterday- thinking we prolly had an UD and I wasn't able to read it. Oops. ;P

This was actually more than I expected. I'm frustrated w/ Bella. But at least she let him in. Now she just needs to let him IN, kwim?

Can't wait for the next one. You truly blow me away. This, right now is my #1 obsession story.

Thank you for the chapter. I'm salivating at the mere idea for things to progress b/w them.

Sessahhh said...

Gaaaaahhh!!! I thought this chapter wasn't supposed to end in a cliffie. What the hell?! I need more and I'm all out of chapters to read. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!!
Great job with this one. I am completely and totally sucked in. Why is Edward trying to apologize and make amens? Is he in the twelve steps?

SaveMe620 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
InfiniteFinity said...

I literally spent my day reading this. At first I wasn't sure if I'd even bother reading more after the prologue, but I was highly intrigued by the peccancy of it all. There was something terribly wrong with both Edward's [obviously] and Bella's characters that I wanted to keep reading more of. Other than strange appeal of the characters you morphed them into, it's your writing that I love. While reading there was a few moments where I actually paid more attention to your writing than the actual story. It's fantastic.
Once I reached this chapter, I was so upset to see that I'd actually have to wait now for the next one. Ugh. Waiting is

Jen said...

I get why Bella just wants him to go away, but I hope she'll hear him out soon.


masenobsessed said...

I don't think Edward has been "pining" away for her all these years. I don't think he had an emotional attachment to her at all during their time together. I think it was all hate driven. I think his reappearance is guilt driven. I think he found out about her abusive past, whatever he found out the night of Alice's wedding made him realize he had taken his hatred out on the wrong person, therefore leading to the tremendous guilt he's been harboring all these years. I can understand the 5 year period. He had alot of demons and anger to work through to become the person he once was. Was he ever really Roughie? I don't think so. At least not the verbally abusive part of it. This Edward is the real Edward. Bella is unexcepting of him I feel because she can't comprehend that someone who abused her is actually telling her she didn't derserve it. It's too engrained in her to believe him. She's more comfortable with "whore" label than to believe she could actually be worthy. She not only received abuse from Edward, but also pleasure, which I'm sure has screwed with her head even more. She's pushing him away because of the abuse, yet she wants him because of the pleasure. It's hard to put this Edward with the old Edward. I think he'll be persistent and help her. And this is when I think the emotional attachment will happen. Of course it's obvious he's sexually attracted to her, but I can definately see him falling in love with her and showing her the respect and compassion she deserves. Bella's a good girl, but when she decided to get paid for sex that just added to her list of unworthiness. She was so desperate to make something of herself, and with her jobs affecting her school work, she made sure nothing stood in the way of her success. I agree with how she handled Edward though. Eyes down? Fuck that. She does have a backbone, she's strong under the surface. Good lord she would have to be. I cried Jada! Excellent!

Raquel said...

This story freakin ownes me!!!!!

I want to know what he has been up to the past five years. What is he atoning for? You are the queen of this mysterious Edward that's fo sho! You're killing me! I totally can understand why Bella bites at him, she is frustrated and has every right to be IMO! After having something like that with Roughie then nothing, that would turn me into a stark raving mad uptight beotch too! Please, please, P-L-E-A-S-E give us a lil sumthn sumthn from EPOV. Throw us a bone!!!!!!!!

You freakin ROCK!

Heather said...

This is definetly one of the BEST stories I've read. You are a fabulous writer!! I am sooooo curious to see if he came to her because he realized that it wasn't just sex and had developed into something more. I hope Bella gives him a dose of his own medicine. Are you planning on writing a chappy in Edward's POV? I hope you update soon.

jesyka_haha said...

This story just keeps getting better and better. Bella is seriously struggling with the feelings that Edward makes her feel. She's wants him and doesn't realize why or how. I hope that Edward gets his chance to explain himself.
I seriously love reading this.
Thanks for sharing.! said...

OMG Jada!!! You are seriously going to give me a heartattack! OMG - Edward! I love him I just freaking love him!
All those manips done by Floren83 I think are fucking fantastic!!! I NOW understand and can totally relate to the "my ovaries exploded" term! Holy f*cking HELL!

Anxiously waiting for chapter 14 - hurry please!
xox twi_yady

k.malik78 said...

Bella needs to get off her fucking soap box. Edward didnt rape her!!!!! They both had orgasms when they had sex so why the heck is she acting like she didnt enjoy it? Sure she didnt enjoy the name calling but in her own words "she took".

Why didnt she walk away after the first meeting? Oh is it just me but her g*d damn condescending high horse attitude is pissinh me off. I might have to call John Cena to give her an attitude adjustment

janm72 said...

I really wanted to hate this story but I can't. So want to know what happened to Edward's life. He told her he would never go after her if she left. Obviously he felt something. Hope she gives the both a chance. She needs to hear as much as he needs to tell.

twifanmom said...

Wow, great story!! I have just found this one and read all 13 chapters today and want more!!!

Can't wait to see the battle in Bella's head after that little tift!

Anonymous said...

Really? Please, please, please tell me you aren't going to leave us hanging for long! Can't wait for the next chapter - you are incredible!

Credorosa said...

I am confused. No word where Edward has been for 5 yrs? He just shows up to apologize and Bella is just as fucked up as ever. It's not like she was forced and she even begin to enjoy it, needed it. She couldn't hear him out, no matter how wrong she thought he was? Something is missing, to much of jump with no bridge. Very confusing.

dary21 said...

Daddy issues much?

maxandmimasmummy said...

I just want to lock these 2 in a room and make Bella listen to Edward and the fuck each other senseless.

PurpleBrina17 said...

OMFG!! they need to just fuck already and talk later. I have a feeling that is what is going to happen no?

ashblog89 said...

'What the hell just happened here?'

IDK Bella thats a good question! FIGURE IT OUT!

Then make Edward fuck you.

Please & Thank you.

Anonymous said...

It is sooo funny to read everyone's thoughts on where you are going with this....


I don't care what they say...

Your thoughts and writing are all that matters....

I freaking LOVE you and this story!!!

Rory said...

That was very intense, I was feeling so overwhelmed and angry - Bella's frustration rubbing off on me - like I couldn't take it anymore. What a horrible situation when someone else has so much emotional power over you and they are so destructive to your fragile hold on your integrity and your feelings of self worth... but still you crave him anyway even though he is bad for you in every conceivable way.

I think she would feel better if she got the anger off her chest by telling him how what he did to her... what she allowed him to do to her, effected her... the shame and the guilt she feels for feeling like she did not deserve to be treated any better and for enjoying it at least physically as her self-esteen went through the window. He made her feel like a piece of garbage, like nothing just like how her father and mother make her feel. She is too scared to be around him long enough to hear his side of the story because she does not want to be vulnerable to him again. She doesn't trust herself to be strong around enough to resist him. She would benefit from hearing what he had to say... even if she would have a hard time believing him because she doesn't feel like she deserves to be treated any better. Boy does she ever need therapy big time. I hope he doesn't give up on trying to appologise to her, because if he has changed and is a good guy now and really has a good excuse for how he treated her before, she could benefit from hearing that from him. Great update... so impactful.

so said...

So happy he's back...

I just got the update alert for the fandom/tsunami outtake... I'm in bb!!! I fwd my receipt and I'm ready for more*
Kudos to you on your marketing skills ;)


preciousfairymom80 said...

I know, I know. I'm sorry for being so late in reading. I was hoping you would get another chapter out before I broke down and read this one. I like to do that sometimes.
So Eddie wants to say I'm sorry and Bella is being defensive. Can't say as I blame her. I wanna know why it took him five years to do it? UGGGHHH This story has got me all messed up! Looking forward to the next chapter.

pattinsonrathbonelover said...

Chapter 13 leaves me begging for more! And yes you all are right Edward has been thinking about Bella alot over 5 years. Can't forget about Bella either she cant be with another man except Edward and do you blame her!! OMG its Edward!!!!! Pant Pant Pant "Thud"

Anonymous said...

I am fascinated by this story! Read the whole thing in one sitting. Can't wait to see where you are taking this!

isleesme1 said...

hol-yyyyyyyyy hell!

turquoise1581 said...

Awe! Can't wait please post soon!

DreamofRobP10 said...

How often is this updated. I just started reading this and I'm addicted. I already want more.

orion said...

OMG! wonderful story!! I agree with DreamofRobP10, I'm addicted. I hope you update often...can't hardly wait!!

fran.richards50 said...

OMFG! He's gotta come back- third time lucky! What has he been doing the last five years to go from where he was to where he is now? As much as Bella denies it, she hasn't 'moved past it', think of it as group therapy but with just her and Edward!! PLEASE PLEASE update soon!

Ironic Twist said...

Bella doesn't come across as a natural submissive. It's more like she's looking for abuse. Which is a problem.

~Elli~Iris~ said...

Ch 13
"Isabella, I owe you an apology." Well that’s an understatement! What is this? Making amends? Is he is a fucking step program? Therapy? What will be the excuse? Did he have a substance abuse problem? Anger? (well duh!) He is fighting off the need to control and dominate. He leaves and she wants him gone. She is rattled. She dreams again. Who is “he”? She turned down a relationship because she has developed a need to be dominated?
OMG he is back…and checking her out…sweaty running outfit. OK a better apology. He isw trying. She is trying to be strong. To shut him out. To make hime think he had not broken her. But he did. He has changed. She has accomplished things but hasn’t changed? It is still easier for her to expect the worst. Progress for him…now what about her? She should tell him, “no I’m not fine. I can’t sleep. Seeing you again makes me forget myself…” Iris~Elli

luvnrob said...

Damn Im still confused!!! Lol..hopefully it will all become clear!

sarah said...

So much I loved - 

All the reasons she doesn't want to let him in, and then how "wordlessly", she does.

And she wants to slap herself across the face!!

And it's interesting how way back when, when her mind would wander curiously about him, it was about *this* him, the one she didn't know.  And now that this one, this version of him is here, she doesn't know how to be around him.

You are so in tune with this character - like, her flow I guess, is what I'm trying to say, of emotions, one to the next, to the next, stepping back, side stepping, to the next and the next, they all read SO naturally.  Not an ounce if it feels contrived or fictional even.  It's honest.  And I feel for her.  For you.

For him, through her.  And you.

"I want to lean over and spit his name out of my mouth as soon as I say it. It feels peculiar there."

I know everyone is all over E, and don't think I'm not, but I love your Isabella.  I always have, but more and more through every chapter.  She's got fucking heart.  Buried wherever it may be, it's strong.  She's (you are) a sensory master, consistently, and sincere in all of her thoughts and feelings, and instincts.  She's genuine.  Through and through.  And there in a scene where SO many female protagonists (Bellas) are lacking that kind of raw, honest *heart*, yours shines.



And then - oh, oh, and then -

The perfect compliment to the stronghearted girl I love so much:

"They reclaim their adversarial positions with ease, undeterred by time.

And I writhe in it..."

"...His voice seduces my free will...mocking it, taunting it.  Dismissing it."

I know it was just a dream, but i have missed him so, too.

His conviction in her kitchen, doubled it.

I love you,

Heather said...

Miss Bella needs a good release from our Roughie.....she's so confused, as is he. Oh i just love how this is playingout. It's so not a fairytale, it is so real. These are real life emotions of two fucked up people who are damn perfect for eachotherr in a fucked up way! I love your writing style. And i REALLY love the visual of Roughie in the thermal ( with the tattoo showing in the back, gah), jeans and chucks. BEYOND sexy......THUD. No wonder she had naughty dreams of him after that...just sayin'!! Xo

Blondemel47 said...

Fantastic story - stayed up till 5 am to catch up to chapter 14 so enthralled by your story & the characters. So hope he does return to her. They need each other. She has issues, as does he & there are still so many unanswered questions. Looking forward to your next update, hope its soon.

luv4kristen said...

"What pisses you off more, Edward? That I won't hear you out, or that I'm not obeying you like a good little whore?" Go Bella! Loved that she stood up to him, but she's so lonely and still feels inadequate, unaccomplished. She really needs to talk to someone. Edward had no right to demand she listen to him and let him explain, but she is still messed up in her head so she needs to find closure and talking to him will probably help with that. He can't move forward and neither can she. They just need to get together already. LOL. Fabulous chapter! Thank you! Gwen

Blondemel47 said...

Lovely chapter - absolutely loved it. Wondered ages ago if Edwards daughters Mum had taken his daughter maybe off him (poss left him for someone else & moved away) & the letter in his hand at the wedding was either saying she was remarrying poss or moving further away, as it looked like Esme knew. As Edward mentioned "a bitch" when he was "sorting out" Bella. Like all his anger was aimed at the mother of his child. Ah well am glad she is alive cause I'd had my doubts too. Loved that he came to her work place & that he has a dog. Loved too Bella's acceptance of Edwards waiting to run with her. Obviously he feels something for her - she's been on his mind for 5 yrs, even if it was guilt but guessing its more than that plus he's noticed her torment & guess he wants to help, as well as having an attraction for her. She feels an attraction to him too even tho she may not yet admit it to herself. Ohh so looking forward to them helping one another through the darkness & getting it on. Hope you dont keep us waiting too long - loving your style J.

Lulabell75 said...

Awesome! Onward...


PAW'sPeaches said...

i want to crawl inside this story.

i will die die die if she somehow gets him to be roughie again. she desires that part of him.. i hope they can find a happy medium.

good lord roughie.

i love you long time. that is all

RPattzOwnsMe said...

I can't believe after everything, i am feeling so bad for Edward! I just know something horrible happened to him to have fucked him up so badly. Bella needs to get her shit together too- they both need resolution. This story is incredible!

kelly said...

What I find most interesting is Bella's strong reaction to be away from him. Even though emotionally there is still a connection. She still is curious about him and intrigued. I mean how could she not be?! They had a very untraditional experience together.

Bella's issue is that she doesn't want to deal. She has an idea of how things should be and if they go her way then she will be happy. The fact that she feels dissatisfied does not go along with her plan, so she pushes it away. Edward doesn't go with her plan either. Even if he were completely changed, she has written him off. She views him in such a harsh light that I'm not sure she'll ever change her view.

fancastride said...

Glad she told him to leave. His words still hurt.

kneon said...

I have to say Bella has been verbally abused for years by her parents. She isn't use to being hugged and talked nice to. That is why she really didn't mind the things Edward was doing to her, bc that was normal for her.

She should give him a chance though to explain.