August 15, 2011

Chapter Seventeen



Songs I rocked to write (in order):
'Intro' by The xx

'Anything, Anything' by Dramarama

'Detlef Schrempf' by Band of Horses

'Six Days at The Bottom of the Ocean' by Explosions in the Sky


Bella POV




We're silent as we run and I'm relieved at not having to slow my pace for him. Not that I would have. Once we reach the lake, there's a strange, silent decision to stop beneath the willow tree by the lake again. Once I've caught enough of my breath to speak, I surprise myself with how forward I am with him.

“Why are you doing this?”

He seems just as surprised at my having initiated the conversation. I can't help it. I hate feeling confused...and no one drives that feeling home as thoroughly for me as he does.

“Doing what?”

I gesture between the two of us with both hands and then around at the lake and the ground we're sitting on.

“This. All of this. What's your angle here? Because for the life of me, I can't figure you out. What is it that you could possibly gain from doing this? Why are you still here?”

“Do you always ask so many questions?”

He's not irritated. He's just asking.

My answer is immediate. He doesn't know me, therefore couldn't possibly absorb how very literally I mean these two little words.

“No. Never.”

His eyes squint, but only barely. He doesn't rush to answer as his eyes analyze mine, one at a time. They bounce back and forth between mine before he turns and looks out over the lake. My gaze stays on the side of his face. His jaw ticks a few times. I used to think it was a sign of anger, but now I wonder if it's simply a habit of his. Like running his fingers through his hair. He looks down at his hands, cradling each fist in the other, one at a time as he cracks his knuckles. It's another tendency of his that I've noticed. My thoughts stray as he manipulates his joints, the popping sound just barely heard over the wind that blows off of the water.

I know those fingers.

Inside me......tangled into my hair, pulling and twisting......

The pads of those fingers.

Covered in my own wetness......the ridges of them sliding across my tongue and over my teeth......

That palm.

The sting of it against my flesh......the pain and pleasure...

I turn my face away, hating that I lose myself in our past this way. Resentful of the lustful recollections that seize my state of mind without any warning...without permission. They're hypnotic, blanketing me in a trance and suspending the world around me into a slow blur. And then he speaks.

“I don't know.”

We turn our heads toward each other at the same time, meeting in the middle. It's there in his eyes...he isn't trying to hide anything from me. He's being honest. And even though it shouldn't be...it's enough.

Because I don't know why I'm here with him either.



~o~



Knuckles tap on my office door quietly as I'm reading through the seemingly endless amount of emails I have this morning. The Hurley job has nearly doubled my usual workload. I'm grateful for the distraction. If I don't have time to breathe, I don't have time to think. My mind has no room to stray...to lakeside conversations or the itch of curiosity that's begun inside of me.

“Come in.”

I don't stop typing, but glance up at Kate as she slips in and closes the door behind her.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, Kate.”

She settles herself into the chair across from my desk and nods toward the computer.

“Hurley?”

I tap the enter button, sending off the finished email message and sit back in my chair.

“Just trying to nail down the final list of contributors. We have a commitment from seven out of the ten so far.”

Her eyebrows lift in surprise.

“Already?”

Mine lift in response and I smile at her slightly, pleased that she's acknowledging my progress.

“Already. Give me until the end of next week and I'll have all ten.”

“Oh, I have a feeling you'll only need until the end of this one.”

I've known Kate long enough to know she isn't being sarcastic. We both know I can do this job. Damn well. I'm determined not to mess this up. Not to give her any reason to doubt my abilities.

“I heard you had an interesting visitor recently.”

She catches me completely off guard with her subject change and suddenly, straightening the papers on my desk is much more pertinent than it was three seconds ago.

“Really? Who would that be?”

“Edward Cullen?”

Even though I knew where she was taking this conversation, the sound of his name outside of my own head causes my hands to falter as I slide a folder down into the bottom file drawer of my desk. I tuck my hair behind my ear and look up at her with what I hope is indifference.

“Um, yes. He did come by.”

“Do you mind if I ask whether it was a business or personal visit?”

She isn't being bitchy. If anything, she sounds hesitant, which isn't like her at all. Kate has remained my mentor, even after my internship ended. She's guided me through my transition into the professional world, helping me learn and adapt. I have a great respect for her, so I'm able to temper the initial flare of defensiveness I feel. It brings with it the urge to tell her to mind her own damn business. I won't lie about it. After all, what would I say? What would Edward Cullen be doing at Windsor Events? If I try to lie and say it was a business meeting, I'd have nothing to back it up. Instead, I try to keep my voice light and my posture relaxed. Basically...act the opposite of how I feel.

“Personal, actually. Why do you ask?”

I know what's coming before she says it. I don't want to hear it, but now isn't exactly the greatest time to be having a disagreement with my boss. Especially over...this. I can only imagine what she must be thinking.

“He's not the kind of man you want to get...involved with, Bella.”

The way she emphasizes the word confuses me. But then I piece it together with the look on her face...raised brows, steady eye contact, head turned slightly to the side.

Involved. Oh...involved.
If she only knew...

I can't help the smirk that slides across my lips as I sit back in my chair. Her misconception is comical and easily overlaps my nerves.

“Uh, Kate, I think you have the wrong idea. There's nothing going on between me and Edward.”

She continues on, as if I hadn't just laid her worry to rest. Apparently, I haven't.

“I'm sure I don't need to remind you of the Brandon/Hale wedding?”

I look down at my hands as they lie folded in my lap. I know what she's doing, but conjuring memories of that night won't help her cause. We've never really discussed what happened, but the Monday after the wedding, I lied, telling her that I'd left just after the customary wedding dances. As far as she knew, I'd been long gone by the time it all went down. Of course I'd overheard several dramatic retellings in the past few years. It had been, and still was, quite the scandal. Even now, it was a classic among office gossip. Apparently, there were several of both Esme and Carlisle's colleagues who served as witnesses to the scene that night, so it didn't take long before anyone who was anyone had heard about it. Naturally, it had spread like wildfire, circulating throughout the social circles and water coolers of the city. The son of a prominent Seattle family losing his shit and crashing his own sister's wedding. There was no shortage of rumors either. Everything from Edward having been strung out on drugs to his unrequited love for the groom. I nearly choked on my coffee when I'd overheard that one in the office.
If they only knew.

“I'd hate to see you get involved with someone like him, Bella.”

Someone like him. It rubs me the wrong way, even though it shouldn't. After all, I'd referred to him exactly the same way...and to his face at that. But my reaction to hearing her say it confuses me. I'm mildly...annoyed. It's probably just the general discomfort I feel with the discussion we're having. Well, the one that she insists on having. I'm just trying to get through it without having to participate, a plan that my brain clearly hadn't clued my mouth in on. I speak on impulse.

“Really? And why is that?”

Her eyes narrow slightly. I keep my tone even, almost uninterested, but I sense that she sees through it.

“You know that I consider Esme a dear friend...”

I nod in acknowledgement. I've seen Esme several times over the years since...that night. I knew it was inevitable, not only because of her friendship with Kate, but because it turns out that she is quite active in the community. She runs a very successful interior design firm here in Seattle, to which we've actually referred several of our clients. She also volunteers quite a bit of her time to several charities around the city. She has a remarkable reputation and I've never heard a bad word uttered about her...with exception to any reference about Edward, that is. Any time we've seen each other, it's always been a polite exchange of head nods or hellos. A few short conversations that never went beyond the standard 'How are you?' inquiry. After all, why would they? I am merely a girl who once interned with the company that planned her daughter's wedding.

If she only knew.

“She's a very private person and doesn't talk about it much, so I don't have all of the details, but I don't need them. I've known her for the better part of a decade and I've never seen him be anything but trouble for that family. While I can certainly see the...appeal there...” Her eyebrow and one corner of her mouth lifts for a beat. “...he's a despicable man underneath it all. I'd hate to see you get hurt, Bella.”


“I appreciate the concern, Kate, I do. But I can assure you that it isn't necessary. We barely even know each other. Trust me when I say that there is nothing to worry about.”


If I only knew.



~o~


“Damn. How often do you run that?”

We're both breathless, Edward bent over with his hands on his knees and me leaning back against the willow. It's the week after I'd walked out to find him waiting on the sidewalk in front of my house. The second Sunday since I'd given him my silent permission to join me. I didn't see him during the week, and was still just as surprised to find him on the sidewalk again this morning. I don't know what to expect from him exactly. I guess that's the downfall of a silent agreement. I take a few more deep breaths before I speak.

“Every morning.”

“Every? As in...all seven of them?”

I nod at him and his eyes widen. He stands up straight and looks out over the water.

“Well...damn.”

We'd run the same route I always have, which is about six miles by the time we've jogged back to the house. I've stopped keeping track of it a long time ago, preferring to lose myself in the run instead of measuring the distance. I have to give it to him. He's...in shape.

“Don't get me wrong...I run. A lot. But how in the hell do you do this every morning?”

“Um, it relaxes me.”

Why do I feel like I've said too much? Really, I've said nothing but I feel exposed now...raw.

He smirks and looks away from me. Strangely, I can't do the same.

My eyes zero in on his profile. He's still watching the water, just one corner of his mouth pulls up. The edges of his hair are wet where they meet his flesh and my eyes follow the line. From his temple down to his sideburn...over and around the back of his ear, where a lone lock is curled. The redness in his hair is darkened to almost black by the sweat. His hairline meets in a 'V' at the back of his neck and my eyes shoot to the ground just as he turns his head toward me.

The pause he gives before speaking cements the suspicion I have that he caught me staring.

“Actually...I know exactly what you mean.”





~o~





“Hi, Mama. How have you been?”

“Fine, Bella.”

I should be able to numb myself to her by now, but I can't. I've tried and failed. The shortness in her tone, only seconds after hearing my voice, still stings.

“I was thinking of coming to see you. Maybe for the weekend? I know the last time...didn't really work out.”

It was two years ago. She'd insisted I not bother, but I did so anyways. It was Mother's Day weekend after all. What the look of irritation on her face when she'd answered the door hadn't achieved, her mumbling something about having plans and leaving immediately after I'd gotten there had. I sat in the living room waiting on her for four hours before I was putting my bags in the trunk and heading back to Seattle.

“I'm gonna be busy that weekend, Bella.”

I grit my teeth at her ambivalence.

“I haven't even told you what weekend.”

Silence. And the cold, flat tone of her voice is no better.

“I don't think it's a good idea, Bella. Just...just don't, okay?”

I've come to expect the dial tone.





~o~





The next morning, I wake up feeling heavy. My feet drag as I get out of bed. The after effects of talking to Renee last longer now...sometimes days. It takes a while to decompress and I feel both exhausted and antsy. It's mornings like these that I need my run the most. I'm in a hurry to feel the ground fly under my feet. I want music blaring in my ears and my chest aching with effort. I rush through my stretches and fly down the steps of my porch, coming to a halt at the curb just after I've tucked my earbuds into place.

It's Wednesday...which means it's not Sunday.

It's nearly fall now and the mornings are chilly, especially at this time of day. The sun has just barely risen and hasn't had time to warm anything beneath it. He's wearing thick sweatpants and a dark navy blue sweatshirt. The hood is drawn up around his head and his hands are jammed tightly into the front pockets.

His hair is hidden, so the sharp, pale lines of his jaw are striking against the color of the hood. And his eyes. Ice blue in the early light and so lost, they don't know where to be...so they're everywhere.

On my eyes...on the ground...the sky...to the empty space on either side of him...and back to my own again...

I don't ask and he doesn't say, but something is wrong. It's in the stiff set of his shoulders and the tightness around his eyes. He's clenching & unclenching his jaw and as I walk closer, I see the circles under his eyes. He's fidgeting back and forth from one foot to the other. Rigid. He's pulled so tightly, I can see the strain it takes him to stand in one place. I take all of him in within seconds, and I can see him doing the same.

He looks the way I feel.

Instinctively, I know what he wants.

With a flick of my finger, I crank the volume up on my iPod and tuck it into my armband. Once it's secure, I push play and glance over at him. The music pounds in my ears, unforgiving from the very first note. We're mirroring one another...legs taut and poised for take off.

I nod at him...and we're flying.

We make the run in almost half the time it usually takes. This time, when we stop under the tree, we don't talk. I feel a loosening in the knot inside of me, but my head isn't in a good place. I don't need to know him to know his isn't either. So, like every other morning, we rest and catch our breath before running back to the house. By the time I'm closing the door behind me, he's already backing out of the driveway.





~o~



He shows on Sunday again, minus the internal battle from Wednesday. I expect him this morning, and our stop under the tree at the lake is wordless again. He seems much calmer, but preoccupied. We each stay on opposite sides of an invisible boundary line, me with my music and him with his thoughts. I can make them out just behind his eyes...brewing there, monopolizing his focus. He doesn't acknowledge me, nor I him. We're here together, but not. So when we slow to a walk in front of my house, I startle when I hear him clear his throat before speaking. When I turn, he's standing at the bottom of my porch steps.

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?”

He catches me off guard and I think back to the last time he was in my house. I'm not stupid.

“Um...yeah. Sure.”

I turn back and unlock the door, waiting until he's inside and closing it behind him. I point down the hall when he turns to me in question.

“It's down the hall there, first door on the right.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I nod at his back and just...stand there. I glance at the sofa, but decide against sitting down there. I don't want him thinking it's an invitation to stay. Our runs are one thing. He kind of forced his way into that the first time and while I haven't exactly objected to it since, we exist that way on the outside. This is my home. I'm not ready for him to be here.

It's only a few moments before I hear the bathroom door open.

“Thanks again.”

“You're welcome.”

I step back as he walks past me toward the front door. He pauses and turns around just before he opens the door.

“I...I'd like us to be...friends, Isabella.”

My eyebrows embed themselves in my hairline. I drag the single syllable out a bit, unsure if I've heard him correctly.

Friends?”

“If you'd be willing to try, yes.”

I can't explain why, but the careful way he speaks to me rubs me the wrong way. I bristle at his words, and though I'm pretty sure he isn't trying to offend me, I react anyway. My defenses rattle and I cross my arms over my chest.

“I'm not a fucking charity case. I don't need you doing me any favors.”

“I'm not...” He runs his hand over the top of his hair and takes a deep breath in. I can practically see his patience dissipating.

“I didn't say you were a charity case. I just figured...I don't know...that it couldn't hurt anything.”

I stare at him and he exhales roughly before dropping his arm from his hair. It falls with a slap against his thigh.

“You know what? Just...fuck..forget I said anything, okay?”

He speaks in a flat, resigned voice. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was almost...embarrassed. He turns back toward the door and speaks over his shoulder without looking at me.

“See you.”

I don't say anything, but he doesn't wait for it either.

Only when I hear his car engine fading into the distance do my shoulders sag in relief. Out there, when my focus is on the pavement and the wind whipping in my ears, it's easier to ignore the intimidation that he inflicts on me. I can disregard the way my breathing constricts in those first few seconds I see him. I don't understand my reaction to him. It's unnerving and awkward.

My thoughts are a mass of questions as I shower and come down to figure out what to eat for lunch. I can't begin to wrap my mind around his suggestion that we be...friends. It's almost comical with the past that we share. Kate's words echo in my head. The things she said about him make sense, really. And that's without knowing about the two of us. But there are things about him that make me think twice about her assumption of who he is. Edward Cullen is one hell of an enigma. I can't figure him out, and the thought of trying to scares the hell out of me.

I'm stepping off the end of the staircase when I feel a sharp pain under my foot. I grab a hold of the banister to stop myself from falling as whatever I've stepped on slides across the floor, taking my footing with it.

“Shit...”

When I'm confident that I'm not about to bust my ass, I bend over and pick up the shiny object. It's a small, silver charm bracelet with a flat matching heart dangling from it.
Where the hell did- I turn the heart over and there, engraved in a simple font, is the name Josie.

It hits me with a jolt and everything falls together with remarkable speed.

The links are tiny, the bracelet not nearly large enough for an adult.


No one else has been in my house...only Edward. It has to be his, but who is...?

And then all I can hear is Esme's quivering voice before Edward's infuriated one quieted her...

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about everything. About Jo-”

I close my eyes and remember him, there on his knees, falling to pieces.

“My baby...my baby girl.”

My eyes close while I recall that night, and when I open them, I know exactly whose it is. Having no idea what to do next, I walk over to the coffee table and set the bracelet on top of it, backing away and staring down at it. What now? I ignore the small part of me that wonders why he'd have this. Why in the world he would be carrying it? It's none of my business. Calling or going to his place is just out of the question, especially after the way things went before he'd left here earlier. Deciding to worry about it later, I hurry into the kitchen. Just as I pull the cold cuts from the refrigerator, there's a knock on the door.

And another.

And another.

Then the doorbell.

Knock knock knock....

Ding dong, ding dong....

Knock knock knock knock....

Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong...

It's a rapid, frantic pattern. Over and over it repeats before I even have time to make it from the kitchen to the living room. I panic for just a moment before irritation sets in. And then I look through the peephole and swing the door open without any thought.

“What the hell is your-”

The man who'd walked out of this door not even an hour earlier was definitely not the same man standing here now. He's leaning on the door frame, taking shallow gulps of breath. One hand is fisting the material of his sweatshirt just over his chest and the other is cupped around the back of his neck. His head is bowed down and his eyes are squeezed shut. Beads of sweat are covering his forehead and temples and I watch as a single drop of it makes its way down the line of his sideburn.

“I need-”

His chest shudders violently as he looks up at me and opens his eyes. His dilated pupils are the first thing I notice. They're so wide and so black, they nearly drown out every speck of blue I know should be there. His jaw locks and he's breathing harshly through his nose. He inhales and exhales choppily as his eyes roam my face. I'm frozen in place, at a complete loss.

His panic attacks.

“Edward? What...I don't know what to...what do I do?”

For just a moment, his eyes look past me and lock onto something behind me. His eyes widen and he sags further down against the door frame. He points over my shoulder and I turn, my eyes landing on my coffee table. On the bracelet.

Holy shit.

I can feel the panic and adrenaline in my veins.

“Okay. Okay.”

I whirl around and dart across the room, snatching the trinket up and spinning back as fast as I can. And when I do, my hand flies up to my chest, because he's there. Right there behind me. His eyes search my hand and when I open my palm to offer the bracelet to him, his moves at the same time. Before I can react, his hand closes over the top of mine, the bracelet clasped tightly between our palms. I can feel him trembling as his sweaty fingers wrap around the back of my hand. I look up at him and his eyes dart from where we touch to my eyes. There's no trace of relief there and my panic flares again. I watch as he seems to plead...silently. His breathing accelerates and a muffled sound...a painful, muted wail...slips from between his lips. I shake my head at him and can feel the weight of my next words in my chest.

“I...I don't know how to help you...”

His body sways then, his hand jerking away from mine and taking the bracelet with it.

“Here, sit. Sit down.”

I don't dare try to touch him, and he doesn't listen. He remains standing, his eyes are closed tightly and his fist squeezes the bracelet so hard that the skin around his palm is white. He opens his mouth just barely and begins to pant through his teeth. When he sways again, I'm petrified that he's going to pass out. Right here on my living room floor.

I take a deep breath and speak with as much volume as I can manage, and a surprising amount of authority.

“Edward. Edward! Look at me!”

His eyes fly open and he blinks rapidly, trying to focus on my face.

“Sit down. Right now!”

He takes two shaky steps backward without looking and collapses onto my sofa. I'm struck with a momentary sense of satisfaction that he listened to me. It's brief, though...almost immediately replaced with a crippling helplessness. We're alone here, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

With one hand on my hip and the other palming my forehead, I look down at him. He's still shaking...and sweating...and breathing heavily. I can tell he's trying to calm himself down. His eyes are closed again, brows furrowed in concentration. He's mumbling under his breath, but not loud enough for me to hear. Whatever he's doing, it isn't working. He folds his upper body over, pressing his arms between his torso and the tops of his legs. He looks like he's going to be sick. I'm still standing above him, paralyzed and completely clueless.

What the hell do I do now?



~fywfywfywfywfywfywfywfyw~

The song that Bella runs to when Edward shows up on Wednesday is 'Anything, Anything' by Dramarama. Josie's bracelet is posted here: Story Visuals :)

90 comments:

lfcpam said...

Poor E, I cant wait to hear the story behind all of this. For him to freak out so much it must be heatbreaking

KlrTwiLuver said...

*applause* Well done as always Ms. J.
Xoxo
Kellie

DebbieCDC said...

OMG, the tension between them is unbelievable!! Sexual and emotional and every other friggin' thing in between. "The enigma that is Edward Cullen" - boy that is putting it mildly. Obviously the bracelet is his talisman, the only thing that calms his panic attacks (I remember it from the "fandom for sexual awareness" outtake you did) and obviously he freaked when he dropped it using her bathroom. Well this little episode is certainly going to change the direction of how things are progressing, I mean they can't just jog in silence forever!

Kate getting involved is interesting too. It seems NO ONE (outside of the family) knows the whole story. Jada baby you are killing me with UST and suspense!!! ARRGGH!!!

LOL, love you BB!!

Ambaro said...

I seems they've replaced jogging with sex as a way of coping with things, just another form of physical release. Like everyone else I can't wait to find out about what happened to Edward and his daughter. I asummed he's having a panic attack, maybe this will make them finally start talking to eachother. The whole situation with Renee breaks my heart, but sadly is somewhat familiar.
I can't wait for the next chapter now :)
@AmbaroFardus

xNimC said...

God, my heart. It breaks but it hurts SO GOOD. Poor Roughie. I just want to give him a hug. :'( I am constantly blown away by this story. It never fails to impress.

I'm wondering if he needs sex to calm down. Or is that an absurd idea? I dk, I dk.

No matter what happens next or how she calms him down, I'm sure it's going to be amaaaaaazing. As usual. :)

I know I say this like every time, but I am forever a hardcore fangirl for this story. I have physical reactions of excitement whenever it updates. Not gonna lie.

Awesome chapter! :)

ksw3 said...

Poor Roughie! Just reach out and hold him! I know he has been a jerk! He needs someone right now! Just hold him Bella!

Cote de Texas said...

omg. what a cliffie! so not fair.
i think i know what might calm him down. now, hmmmm...what could taht be???? come on Jada, give the man what he wants - it's been five long years now. he surely deserves it, right?

FanFicCrazy said...

UGH what a place to leave it!!! But we know we'll start with something good next chapter!!!

Poor Roughie... B just needs to put her hands on him, it'll calm him, you know it will.

I get Kate is looking out for B. But it amazes me how closed minded people are. Just because in her mind he had good parents (I'm sure he did) doesn't mean something isn't fucked up. Doesn't automatically mean he's an awful person. Some people deal with shit different then others. Sigh...

Can't wait for them to open up a bit. And another job WELL DONE Jada! Love it.. Can't wait for more... I know I'm greedy but then, that's partly your fault you know! <3

Steph Stewart said...

Bella snaps with Edward so much because deep down she has a lot that she needs to say about those early days with Edward.

And even though it killed me that you ended this chapter the way you did, I still really enjoyed it. The bracelet was a great way to get them in the same room together.

Smitten said...

I soooo can't wait to get into Roughie's head. And pants for that matter. Eagerly anticipating learning more of his story.

Great chapter!

Luxie said...

Oh good holy lawrd. I need more!!!

His panic attacks! *sniff* Poor baby, I hope Bella can help calm him in some way. Maybe get him a paper bag to breath in?? O.o I mean, what the hell do you do for extreme panic attacks such as that?? But this is progress.. since this time he's not hiding behind a door after he payed her for sex. No, she's seeing his vulnerability in full effect.

I love that Roughie put himself out there and said he wanted to be friends. BIG, HUGE step for him. But damn, Bella just thinks he's having pity on her. After all, she probably thinks, "why the hell would somebody WANT to be friends w/ ME? My own mother doesn't even want to spend time w/ me." :(

Thank you for the ch.

But dude, I want MORE!!! <3

roon0 said...

Excellent as always. I don't get why Bella puts herself through that stuff with her mother. Edward is so damn broken its hurts. I await the next update eagerly.

Monica said...

Oh my heart breaks for Roughie.. so good Jada... I always need more.. I cannot wait to read their next convo.. O.o..

@MoniNP xo

MarchHare5 said...

Poor Edward. :(

Renee's a bitch. I'm sure there's a reason; I'm pretty sure I know what the reason is, but dayum. ;)

Once again blown away.

Leann said...

Now seems like an excellent time for Edward to start talking, but I highly doubt it will be that easy.

I love the intensity that you convey with very well-chosen words. Your descriptive passages are beautiful and effective, and you excel in building the tension so thick that you can practically cut it with a knife. I love me some good angst!

Thank you for the update. I'd like another as soon as possible, please, before my foot gets to tappin' again. ;) You can't leave us, not to mention Edward, hanging like that! *evil cliffie*

~pattinspired

j johnson said...

What do you mean, "What the hell do I do now" ...
Cozy up close and rub your breasts on that man, Bella! STAT! He needs you!
~
Oh, Bella. Poor girl is moving forward ... by millimeters. She didn't even want to let Edward in the house to pee. And she blasted hims for wanting them to be friends. She's still so fucking petrified of being vulnerable to feeling something. Anything.
~
I've noticed that Bella has once again become Edward's outlet. He's seeing her on the weekends (Sunday, instead of Saturday). And when things are extra difficult for him, he seeks her out during the week. Just like in their original agreement. Of course there's no hot, wild, hard sex involved. There's running. I'm going to come back to the topic of running in a minute.
~
So, Bella actually shows a little bit of care and concern for Edward during his panic attack. Although, she seems more concerned that he's in her house, and they're alone, and she doesn't know what to do.
Very curious to see how this pans out.
~
And now we know what Edward's little girl is named ... Josie. I love that name.
~
Back to the running. I'm a runner. Have been for years. I don't run everyday, like Bella. My joints are a wee bit older than hers. I cover about 7 miles 3 times a week. And it's the best therapy in the world. It DOES relax me. The stress just melts. And when I run, I use that time to go anywhere in my head that it wants to go. And the best runs that I ever have are the ones when I feel least like running.
Anyway, just wanted to share.
~
I look forward to the next chapter, to see if Bella decides to give a little more of herself to help Edward. It will be a huge step. I hope she takes it.
~
Thank you, Jada.

Sarita Dreaming said...

Great chapter! It's good to see the vulnerability in both of them and the possibility of progress and healing.

Edward seems more willing than Bella,although I think now that she's seen him so weakened, it might help break down her defenses a smidge.

She needs to hold that boy! For fuck's sake! How could she restrain herself from just wrapping around him and licking his jaw? Ungh!

Also, please, please do we get to find out why he's not with his daughter soon??

Loved the chapter!

Sarita

Obsmama said...

So well done the tension the fear the sadness all captured so well.

Fork Head said...

SOOOO excited to see there was a new chapter. What do you even do for someone when they're having an attack like that?!
Can't wait until the next update!

Fork Head said...

...and, what the hell with Renee? I thought Charlie was the asshole but Renee is in a close 2nd place. She needs to figure out that just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to keep trying. Sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself, even if it means walking away.

Heather said...

I thought he was going to kiss Bella when he grabbed her hand!! I wish he had. I hope that eventually there relationship will grow to a more intimate one. I love how she bossed him around. I really hope she can just reach out and hold him right now. But I don't think this is where you want the story to go right now. Once again great update! Can't wait for the next one.

Melissa said...

Omg!! Edward you poor baby =(

Great chapter like always!!! I need to know more!! lol dying!!

Thank you for the chapter bb Mwah!!

nkubie said...

Thanks for giving us more. Now I want MORE!! I know I'm a selfish bitch.

But honestly, I think we got more progression here than we've had for a while. Bella needs to stop being in her head all the time and start acting with her heart, though I realize she has no idea how to do that.

Edward has really made himself vulnerable and I hope Bella finally makes a step toward helping him. Maybe then she can start to help herself. She's lost her humanity and I'm hoping that Roughie will help her find it.

Another wonderful chapter, Jada!

LetRobstenLuv4ever said...

Poor Edward. That bracelet was his security blanket. Its his constant conection to his daughter. I sure hope this is a turning point for them and she will finally let him in. He needs someone to talk to. Someone to love. The angst is killing me. I cant wait til they both give in and be together again.

62dbb942-c7b2-11e0-ba97-000bcdcb8a73 said...

Wow! Your writing is so powerful! Every chapter blows me away. The most fascinating thing is that I can't figure out where this story is going. You instinctually want them to heal each other, but there is so much yet to be revealed about Edward and about Bella, the suspense is thrilling. When all is said and done given their past, who knows what there future holds. Jadalulu knows!

somanywards said...

Jada, thank you BB*
Love ~fyw~

xo

1redsock said...

Wicked teaser... so dramatically [and credibly] crafted!

I love the pacing... it's reads so quickly and yet their progress is achingly slow - as it would have to be in order to be sustainable and true. Intimacy is a far more intricate dance than mere coupling... [like I need to tell you anything! *blushes*]

I harbor such high hopes for them.

Is it bad form to ask how frequently you update?? No pressure, just trying to gauge my own pacing as it were - ;)

Thank you for every word,

red

flyrbrd said...

Great update! I can't wait for more ;)

flyrbrd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twifanmom said...

A fantastic chapter! The last scene in this chapter was so emotional and just broke your heart for Roughie. As much as we all would like another rough and tumble in the sack for these two, I don't think now is the appropriate time...I'm hoping this will lead to communication which is a novel concept for these two!! Then, after they heal a little, we can all sing "Let's Get It On"!

You are a phenomenal writer!!

Spread These Wings said...

Loved the chapter Jada! Every chapter of this story has me mesmerized. My heart goes out to E. I like how your giving us small pieces of the puzzle each time. Cant wait to see what happens next with the panic attack and what Bella might do!
xoxo

Cara said...

Good God, talk about heartfail. If I could just get one wish... Jesus, I just want Bella to hug the poor man. He needs it, and I hope it will do her good, too.

sallyhop1 said...

Wow! Can't wait to find out why he is having these panic attacks. Poor Edward.

~Elli~Iris~ said...

Ch 16
Drawn together. He comes. They both run. Together. OR at least he is drawn to her. He has no one else. She can’t help but remember their connection. The passion they had, but connected through pleasure, control and pain. Can it ever evolve into something different?
Grrr! Her indifferent mother. No wonder she thought so little of herself and felt OK about being used by Edward all those years ago. At least it was attention. Negative is sometimes preferable to being ignored.

“He looks the way I feel. Instinctively, I know what he wants…I nod at him...and we're flying.”
Both need to run their frustration off. I wonder if his stems from his family as well? Something new with the lost of his daughter or an old pain?
Friends? He needs a friend. He wants to be friends with her. He has no one else. She was the only one besides the cleaning lady to come to his place. Josie, his daughter who is not dead. I can only guess that the mother, who he tortured through Bella over and over again, has taken their daughter and he is not allowed to see her. He said she was not dead. What happened? What did he do? What did she do? Did Esme have something to do with it? Why else would she be sorry? Or was she just apologizing because her son was hurting?
He’s back and in a full blown panic attack. Because he has lost the bracelet? Lost. Will she be able to help him find his calm? Will she find a friendship to be possible? He did terrible things. He wants forgiveness. *sigh* I wanna hold and rock the broken man and slap him for going to such a dark place that he found it acceptable to treat other’s poorly for the pian caused by others. *sigh*
Roughie isn’t looking so rough right now.
Iris~Elli

Amy Fontaine said...

After reading this I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. I was holding my breath from the moment Bella found the bracelet (which is just beautiful btw, I saw the picture of it on the story visuals). I knew Edward would need to come back for it, however, I wasn't expecting him to go into a full blown panic attack.

I understand Kate's concern for Bella but seriously, she needs to not get involved. That's really all I have to say about that. She's great person but she doesn't know the first thing about Bella and Edward's relationship.

Ugh, and Renee! Man, this woman needs to be smacked in the face, hard. Maybe with brass knuckles of something. I cannot stand her!

I wish Bella would stop second guessing herself all the time and asking herself what she should do. Go with your gut girl! Clearly, Edward needs to be comforted right now. Hug the man!

I cannot wait for the next chapter :)

SnowyHedwig said...

First, Renee is a bitch. Second, YOU are a tease. Aside from learning Josie's name, you continue to leave us hanging. She's not dead, and I need answers, dammit! Finally, beautiful chapter. You totally pwn me, darlin'!

Elysita said...

hello!
Edward cona panic attack? What a tragedy!
That will make Bella now?
I'm intrigued.
their history is very good
regards
Elisa.

evilnat said...

jeez! poor edward. I think bella's gonna have to help him or he's going to continue haunting her. Im not sure if kate should be judging anyone even if she knows more than bella. its not fair on her.
oh and Renee, how bad is that!!! i cant even imagine how shit that must feel.
Great chapter! I really cant wait for more!!!

Carol said...

Came by to peek in and here it is, thank Gawd! Can't help but see parallel for these two in what their mothers have done to them. Renee and Esme, horrible, both, but still? What and why?
So this panic is turning point for Edward and Bella? She has only wanted to shut him out--as her mother has done to her, as Esme has done to Edward? Will answers come in 18? Amazing Jada, amazing! cat5050

none said...

that last part was scary, i though for a second that he was having a heart attack.

thanks for the update, jada.

Nix said...

So. I'm gonna be commenting here and on TWCS depending on where I read what... M'Kay? Thanks for this update. I was going into withdrawels.

Edwards panic attack nearly set off one of my own. Well written, can't wait to find out his story. And I have a feeling Rene has a story as well, I don't think things with her are as cut and dry as they seem. More please...

bluevolvic said...

This thing keeps deleting my message :(

Felt so bad for Edward having the Panic attack losing the little charm bracelet.Although Bella felt helpless,she was successful in getting him to listen to sit down.

I think Edward is drawn to Bella because he sees his own problems or dark depression reflected back at him and he's curious as to how she deals with it,as he maybe feels he doesn't? Both are do broken it's sad.
I can't wait to find out more about Edward.

missrebecca said...

omg! poor Edward :(
I can't wait to know the story behind all of this. I can only think it must be horrible. But she's still alive? All I can think is it something worse than death?
So sad. so horribly sad :(

carolamex said...

Well darling, Kudos to you. How you have managed to turn around the horrible E at the beginning of the story to this one is amazing. We all knew something was definitely wrong with him but the fact that we now feel sympathy and we want to hold him and console him is nothing short of genius on your part! Everytime I read one of your updates I feel such stress and tension, like I am right there smack in the middle of them. Amazing amazing story, I can only hope that we still have so much more to go through with them. It certainly seems that this is just the tip of the iceberg! Thanks for writing and sharing with us babe.

TwistStix said...

Absolutely loved this chapter. I've been missing a decent amount of B and E interaction but this chapter really made up for it. The tension betweem these two is so strong it's like a third character. I hope Edward is going to do some explaining after the panic attack but more than that I hope Bella lets him. Thank you for this emotionally gripping story!

Safak said...

You Miss Jada, should be writing 24/7 cause you are that good. In the meantime, I can cook, clean and babysit for you as long as I get to read what you write. As always, great chapter.
Thank you,
Dawn

rebadams7 said...

A name
a name on a little heart makes it more present
a crack in the armor
a
way in

Interesting
Reb

Rachel said...

*applause* Great cliffhanger chapter, I really really really liked it ...wonder what she's gonna do?

Charmie said...

It feels like they are truly caring for one another. He came back...but why? Was it Isabella is the one who can calm him OR did he know he left the bracelet???

Love the emotional dynamics of this story.

sosully said...

What a cliffie!! Aaagh! I feel so bad for both of them. Amazing chapter, as always.

TATOU said...

Poor Ed!!! I hope Bella doesn't go into panic mode herself. So far I love your story. Update twice this month. Sweeeet!!!!I can't wait to see how everything unfolds and also when are we gonna meet Josie??? Anyway update soon. Be good now.

Nonita said...

Amazing chapter as usual, thanks.

Lulu said...

This is my third attempt again. Two deleted messages. That's okay. I can take it. I'll do it for Roughie. So basically he has replaced their schedule from before with running except be comes to her now. I find it fascinating that they both have used running for the same thing all that time they were apart. I can't wait until they add some sex back in to relieve some more of the tension. Epic, epic sex. That's what it will be. But will it be rough? Will he be able to do it? She knows she needs it. He knows she liked it. But he feels bad about it. Or does he just feel bad about taking advantage of her and degrading her? Maybe he can still be rough sometimes without the name calling. Sigh...epic, epic future sex. But now is not the time. How will she calm him down. She wasn't allowed to touch him before and she doesn't want to talk to him or open up to him. Where are you going with this? Killing me here! What a place to stop it. You tease! Thank you for the quick update, btw.

Roshambo

Christa said...

How did Kate know that Edward had seen Bella?

Poor Edward. He's a dick but his actions in the past have obviously been a product of some terrible event that he only survived by shutting off his emotions. He lost Josie and then he lost himself. Bella as every right to not want to be his friend. But it's obvious she feels a pull towards to him. She needs to either cut him out of her life completely or open the door and let him in.

Great chapter!

joli cullen said...

I love how they are interacting
Edward Bella is strong and want something but do not know
feel they have their demon and complement
I loved you for the update

Keye Cullen said...

Totally cracked up at this:

“Every morning.”

“Every? As in...all seven of them?”

I find Kate's involvement concerning Edward interesting.

Love to know why Edward is smirking...is he remember their "times" too?:

He smirks and looks away from me. Strangely, I can't do the same.

Renee is a complete bitch....Bella needs to write her off...totally. I realize that she is her mother but, still, nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Oh I am needing some EPOV's to figure out this Edward!!!!! LOL!

Fabulous line:

Edward Cullen is one hell of an enigma. I can't figure him out, and the thought of trying to scares the hell out of me.

The bracelet and the panic attack? Wow! I cannot wait to see what happens with all of that!!!

Olena said...

*Whines* I wanaaaa mooooreeeee!!!!

Isn't it funny how they replaced sex with running? Doesn't it feel to Bella like déjà vu?

I can't help but wonder, what could have happened to his daughter that he has a panic attack at the thought of loosing her bracelet, if she's not dead? I mean, if she was taken from him by, let's say her mother, it cannot be THAT horrible, can it? Maybe i'm wrong, but I don't think men have such an attachment to their kids whom they don't see every day, I think it's more of a maternal instinct.

Anyway, I hope Bella guesses to just hold him to help him with his panic attack :)

jbquinn said...

OMG BB....Once again this was a wicked good chapter!

Arc Morpheus said...

Hello Darling, Oh my goodness I just wanna reach out and smother that Edward in a big security blanket and tell him it's all okay xx I also wanna do that to Bella and why oh why is her mother so cold... that's one Pandora's box we have here and I cant wait for it to fully openxxx

Hugs xx Arc Morpheus

Millie said...

I love how every chapter just tugs at me. I feel so bad for him. Those panic attacks are a bitch and I'm trying to figure out what happened with his daughter. I'm thinking maybe there was an accident while in the care of Esme and Edward lost his cool and his rights?

I dont know but I just want to hug him and make it all better. Cant wait for more.

Roxy said...

damn!! he has some serious issues ughh and Bella please just i don't know hug him or kiss him cause i feel so bad now for him yeah at beginning he was a fucking prick but i fucking love him any way
and poor Bella ughh her mother Renee she shouldn't call her anymore*sigh*:(
yeah i can't wait for more too

kat said...

Killing me with the cliffie! Josie, huh? Sweet name. Poor guy. I know it's killing him to be so vulnerable in front of her. Is he having the panic attack because he lost the bracelet or went looking for it during an attack and realized it was missing? Glad they are actually sharing a few words now and then. Trading sex for running...interesting! He flashback regarding his hands was hot. I wonder if he notices the little things about her body the way she notices his?!

EnamoredHeart said...

This chapter left me shattered…poor man; he’s still in hell over what happened with his daughter, whatever that is. Such a mean cliffie! What is the emotionally stunted Bella going to do to help a man, especially this one, through a panic attack? I hope she doesn’t break down as well…

It is so strange and yet so fitting that this man finds comfort in her presence…strange because of how he treated her in the past, but fitting because she was the only one who truly saw him as he was at Alice’s wedding. He knows she understands his pain, and that’s why he comes back to her. And even though Bella fails to see this, she’s more of a friend to him than even his family. The man clearly has no one, and the fact that she allows him to take comfort in her presence is a gift to him. That’s why he asked her to be friends, officially. She’s already letting him in more than he would have expected.

And what does Kate want? She really went overboard with the interest she took in Isabella’s relationship with Edward. It is Bella’s own business, and as an employee of Kate’s company, she doesn’t have to answer to her boss for what happens in her private life. If I were in her shoes, I would have felt just as indignant. Let the boss keep her concerns with the firm strictly, and not with matters that are not within her province.

Good chapter, although I feel so poignantly how it clawed at my heart…

HopeStreet said...

It is so sad that Bella doesn't know how to offer warmth to Edward. It's interesting that once upon a time, Bella craved Edward's touch but he couldn't give it to her and now that distance is all she knows and how she is able to survive.

I don't know why Bella continues to try with Renee. Her overtures don't look like they'll ever be welcomed or have any kind of positive affect.

Both Edward and Bella crave something - a type of relationship with another that they'll never be able to get.

PAW'sPeaches said...

oh jada. i wanna hug roughie, pull him into my lap and rock him to sleep right now lol! huge change from wanting roughie in my bed lol.

such a good chapter, again, i love their runs together- gah this last run though, with his hoodie up and how he asked to use the bathroom.... for some reason i kept picturing jared leto... guh.

waiting for more will be torturous but the time and passion that you put into this to make it perfect is well worth the wait.

thanks so much for sharing roughie with us<3

cah said...

I am just so sad for both of your characters! I say both because I am extremely disillusioned by some of the women on your Twilighted thread and how close-minded and hateful they are towards Bella's situation and issues but are all so open and forgiving of Edward's. They are both broken and lost souls and I hope and have faith that you have brought them together for a reason. I seriously feel sorry for anyone in their families because they are heartless towards anyone but Edward. This is my opinion, of course! I witnessed a friend have a panic attack and did the same thing that Bella did. I kept saying it over and over in my head...what do I do? I don't know what to do! I can't wait to see what happens next.

RPattzOwnsMe said...

OMG- i am so very sad for Edward- what the hell happened to him? And Bella- what the hell happened with Renee? How a mother could ever refuse their child is beyond me- so i am having a very hard time with their nonexistant relationship. God, they are both so broken- i am hoping they can really save eachother. I just wanna cry right now after reading this chapter- it really hurt my heart :( I can't wait to see what is next for these two!

Ketyane said...

Jada, I never know what to expect from FYW, you can always fit an unpredictable element to each chapter.

I am enjoying the running with Edward and Bella, an hour they will have to talk, I think the running is a way to get used to the presence of each other.
I very curious about what happened to Edward on Wednesday , because he's look heavy in Bella's house to run, maybe it's something that culminated in the panic attack on Sunday.

Kate really knows what happened? What Edward did so severe than episode Alice's wedding?
Kate Kris left even more afraid to relate to Edward.

They like each other's presence, I think Edward feels comfortable with Bella, Bella is disturbed in the presence of Edward, but she can not remove him. Edward has already shown he wants to be closer to Bella, a friend ... Their situation is very complicated, first that none two are open and the second because of the past. I think Edward leave Bella to see him so vulnerable during the panic attack is a start, maybe now Bella can admit to yourself that need help Edward.

_Becca25_ said...

Awww poor E! Panic attacks suck! It must be the only thing that keeps Joanna close to him, the bracelet. Sex is a good tension reliever. Maybe whisper it in Bellas ear. Hehehe. No but, I'm glad they are getting to know one another on their terms. it's very genuine what they feel. They are holding back so much but at the same time still trying. Can't wait for the update!

W&M Guild said...

What a mess this pair is in. Is there a reason why Bella's mother is avoiding her? It sounds like she should stop trying to contact her. It isn't worth the pain. As for Edward, why did he lose contact with his daughter? Was Esme somehow to blame?

fr_larsson said...

Love the chapter, =) love the progress, her seeing more of the true Edward and i hope she´ll cut out her mom from her life, how hard it is, it´s still worth getting rid of the people in our life that just gives us grieve. We´re better off without them, IMHO.

best wishes, Linda xoxo

Chloe Masen said...

Edward's pain and panic was gut-wrenching. As was knowing, unlike Bella, that it was coming. Brilliant chapter.

Soni'sAngel said...

As always you have once again outdone yourself Jada;D This story brings out some extreme emotions in me and I am always excited to receive a chapter update;P As much as Kate is trying to look out for Bella with her comments, she makes me so angry with how closed minded she is. I doubt she knows everything that happened and is only going on how she perceived Esme's emotional state during this trying period. She is being loyal to Esme but should realize that is a grown woman and therefore should be allowed to make her own mistakes. There is always three sides to every story;P I love that Edward is showing his more vulnerable side to Bella, and offering his hand in friendship. They sure need to start somewhere to get some sort of closure on the heartbreaking past they share.
It is so easy to say that Bella should give up on her mother, but the fact that she continually tries to have some type of relationship with her makes her a better person than Renee. If Josie is still alive than what is the cause of Edward's panic attacks? It has to be something huge that it can bring a grown man to his knees. This story has me so intrigued and waiting impatiently for the next update;) A job well done Jada even though you ended with a cliffie;)

b.krumova said...

Waiting for every chapter is torturous, but every update is amazing. I adore this fiction, it's one of the most amazing things I've read.
I like the slow, but steady progress they seem to have. Most readers want HEA immediately, but after all that's happened I don't see how this would happen.
One request, though. Could you PLEASE increase the font size a little bit? I'm wearing my glasses and I barely read it. Thanks so much, I'm waiting the next chapter :)
Take care.
PS: I adore the name Josie.

Blondemel47 said...

Wow Jada what a chapter!! I look forward to your updates so much, unfortunately crazy tiring times have delayed me until now. But now I was able to sit back, relax & jump back into Edward & Bella's incredible journey.
I like how Bella lets him run with her & I guess yep like others mentioned above, they've swapped sex for running. A way of removing the tension & pain from their bodies but how long before this crutch isnt working. A band aid will only last so long - they need to open up the wounds - get some air to it let it bleed alittle, (or more likely alot), & yes hurt, feel the sting, before it can truly start to heal.
I so felt for Edward on the Wednesday - obviously something big had upset him. Plus feel for Bella too - Renee is a total bitch - did she love her husband so much over Bella. Was she one of these women who couldnt think for themselves & need their man even tho he prob slapped her about? I'm sorry but I can never understand this. I agree with person above that Bella is the better person for trying - but there comes a time when enough is enough. Let it go as I just cant see Bella getting through. How can one treat their daughter so - its truly heart breaking.
Poor Edward is trying - felt so sorry for him when he mentioned becoming friends & Bella snapped at him. She is the only person he feels a connection with - how lonely that must feel. Also, obviously, he sees that she too is troubled & wants to help her at the same time - he's had therapy after all & recognises no doubt the signs. Two such troubled souls - they so need each other & dont realise it yet. When he came back to the door - I so wasnt expecting the panic attack - but so understandable IF this is the one thing he hangs onto to keep him calm. Been interesting tho to see, like someone above said whether the panic attack started because he'd lost the bracelet or just got worse because he couldnt find the bracelet once an attack came on. Guessing the former myself. He's so vulnerable & cant help the way he's feeling. I so want Bella to grab him, hold him to calm him. But could this then become a frantic ripping off of clothes & down n durty sex on the sofa! Guess we'll have to wait & see. So looking forward to the next chapter - your writing is truly awesome.

jharp3 said...

I perused your blog when I went to check for an update…I saw that you have ‘It’s About Time’ – Barcelona as your story inspiration and to say I was shocked was an understatement… I always get made fun of for my taste in music, but this song has been on my IPod for ages…love it.

Okay- clearly Edward has intimacy issues, but he’s a man, has needs…pays Bella to take it from behind…I dig it. He doesn’t touch her, doesn’t want conversation...no eye contact...wants nothing that could attach them to each other on more than a my-dick-in-your-pussy kind of way.

At first, to Bella it’s an appalling idea but you know what, after a while she craves it. It’s a connection to someone…something she hasn’t felt in a very long time.

“they don’t know me, they don’t know more than I show”

How can anyone love E/B when no one really knows them. People only know what E/B allow others to see, which isn’t much.

“but wait, this one is different cause she’s/he’s lonely”

Bella and Edward are lonely, they have no one….No one to love— no one who loves them and it’s tragic but it’s also something they can each relate to.

“fold your wings, you’ll need them more one day”

To me this means…stop fucking running away and let’s give this a shot. We’re both all sorts of fucked up…we deserve each other…
Anyway, good fucking story. I HAD to check it out when I heard someone crying the blues because Edward was a beast…I knew there was more to it, people are just blind I guess, can’t see what’s right in front of them…

luvrofink said...

I am review fail, but really this story gets me every time. Originally, I'd promised myself that I would wait until it was completed, but I gave in back at like chapter 6. LOL! I was glad I did. There's so much emotion in these chapters, from both sides that its stifling and heavy and I can't get enough! I really ache for Bella when it comes to the relationship (or lack thereof) with her mother and Edward's past is so haunting. Not to mention that dog...I feel really bad for the dog. Edward can't even take care of himself much less a dog! Keep up the good work sweetie. This is fabulous!

Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy said...

Wow...still blown away as ever...and now I've caught up with the masses. I feel just awful for Edward...I can't imagine the tragedy that lead him to who he was 5 years ago, and what still has a hold of him to this day. And Renee??? I certainly don't know the back story...but right now I can confidently say that I'd like to slap her silly. She couldn't be an uglier person to me right now. Sigh.......looking forward to continuing this journey, Jada!!!

liliane_moussa said...

OMIGOD Jada !!!
Damn I am not finding the words, Nothing comes to my Failing brain right now, God you're good, you're an excellent writer, who knows what is to give and what to withhold to keep us on leash....lol

As always you deliver, and every chapter is worth the wait, I swear sometimes I think you are writing what you see in your mind as a movie, everything so clear, so evolving, and progressing at a very specific pace, no rushing them, no out of character slip, nothing...
Like the trickle of calm spring, your words flow so easily, yet I know how hard it must be to write this way, to keep to context, to not grow impatient with the characters, to not give in to the easy and fast...

I love every word, every breath, every confusion, disappointment, fear, love/hate , attraction/repulsion, memories, tics,insecurity, issues, emotional baggage, both are plagued with, not because of them, but because of how YOU present them to us.

It is so factual, real, and might be happening anywhere,around us, but your talent to put all of these emotions into words is what makes you a one damn excellent writer, I am fascinated by this constancy and never wavering of your style.

Again a standing ovation to you. Thank you for sharing your treasure with us :)

Yankeerose said...

I am skeptical of Edwards motives. I think he is a psychopath. Why would his entire family turn against him if he was really hurting about his daughter? I think he is once again playing on Bella's weakness. I really feel badly for Bella. She is truly crippled emotionally from childhood trauma, which makes her an easy mark for someone I believe is truly ruthless (Edward). I have read the first 17 chapters...so addictive. Can't wait for more.

chantiemaya said...

Please update soooooon! Can't wait to read more, it's one of the best I've ever read! XO Chantie

teambella23 said...

Okay. I wanted to leave this review yesterday but it's a bitch to type on my phone. The auto correct would fuck up all of my words and I would look more lame than I already do. I mean, WTF! how could I not have known that this was pulled FIVE MONTHS AGO! We talk everyday on twittah!


anyhow, I read the review where the reviwer called Edward a Psychopath, and I don't think it;s true. I think he's hurt and I think he's suffering, but he's not insane ... at least not anymore.


I'm totally fucking wondering about this daughter. That's one hell of a plot point, bb. When he said she was still alive, my jaw just about dropped. Because, lets be real, this is fucking fan fiction and the daughters are always dead!!!


lmfao!


So needless to say, this is refreshing just as it was before Edward turned over a new leaf. I was always kind of weirded out when he would speak mean to Bella, but now he has captured my little odd beating heart.


I love love love your attention to detail. You're right on without over using terms and shit like that. Do you feel me? the chapter sizes are nice and you get so much across without descibing every fucking thing around them.


Looking forward to the rest of this, and I'm sorry I was such a fail.


See you on twitter, bb.


Oh, and I loved the fucking chucks. GREAT VISUAL!

Sessahhh said...

Wonderful chapter. I love the way you leave us hanging in every single one. It's a nightmare for us but must be incredibly satisfying for you. (but that's because you are very, very evil in your storytelling.)

I can't imagine having such a severe panic attack. It's got to be beyond scary. Great job with this one. The descriptions of what was going on, what they were experiencing - emotions, sounds, physical reactions, and overall aspects were incredibly detailed. I love the visuals!!

I wanna be a drop of sweat trailing down your Edward's hairline... oh god, so hot.

Imnoddin said...

This story owns me! Can't wait for the next chapter.

kelly said...

Holy shit panic attack! Poor guy :(

This story is taking over my life right now. I stayed up late last night to read, I read while on break at work, and now I've just finished reviewing each chapter in the hope that it will make you happy and you will update soon ;)

BellaTesoro said...

All he wanted was to be her friend, probably more for himself than for her. She's so unable to be a friend, seems she's never had one herself. She perhaps is still feeling unworthy. It's obvious Edward doesn't want/need to abuse her any longer, he really is just in need of someone he can count on. I feel so badly for him, that Bella can't provide him with any support, she's so lacking in that regard right now. She's so cold and what he needs is some warmth, they both do.
Oh please write more, get these two broken souls to a safe, warm place. I hope Bella can find it in herself to reach out to Edward as she'd get so much in return.

sanguinetaurean said...

Oh, my... I've been wondering why his hands were always in his pockets and now I know! He wasn't playing pocket pool after all. ;) Holding on to Josie's bracelet helps with his panic attacks and keeps him connected to her.

Another thought... When he went to the house during the reception he accused Esme of knowing something. Could it be that he is not her biological father? Or that he was adopted?

Damn, this is one helluva story and I can't quit reading. I am so inpatient so I usually don't read WIP but this one sucked me right in. I have one more chapter to read and then I'll have to wait for each one which is a month of waiting...ARGH.

I wish I could remember where I saw this rec but I am SO glad I did! Awesome, awesome, awesome!

kbishop said...

I hope all is well.

lisazj said...

That answers my question from last chapter (instant gratification is mt favorite, lol): "It's there in his eyes...he isn't trying to hide anything from me. He's being honest. And even though it shouldn't be...it's enough.
Because I don't know why I'm here with him either." Unacknowledged, even to themselves.

I get why Bella is so freaked out that she is remembering the physical as it was between them before, on top of thinking about it in Roughie's presence. Though it was meant to demean and belittle, she took her own pleasure from it, despite what Edward wanted her to feel. It would be disturbing for her subconscious to be throwing that out there, while her conscious mind is all "OH, HALE NO!".

Kate warning Bella off of Edward gave me the same reaction that it did Bella. Except that it didn't just annoy me, it really pissed me off. I do understand it, I do. At face value, and even through his own actions, he is a horrible person. But he's been wronged too, and been alone because of it. As a side thought, what the hell did his family do in the situation with his little girl to make him totally cut them out of his life?? *Sigh* But at least Kate does care about Bella. That's more than her own parents ever did. Assholes.

Ahahahahaha! *Smirks* I know why you feel exposed telling Edward that all that running relaxes you, Bella. And why it made Edward smirk. *Smirks bigger* Gets rid of a lot of tension, doesn't it? And he knows how she feels. Ok, so that's not really funny because I know how they both feel, but I'm evil so imma keep giggling at it. :P

OMG, Jada. If I don't get but one thing from this story before it ends, please let Renee die a painful, lonely death. Charlie died too easy, that fucker. Freaking bitch! Arrgh! Every single time Bella talks to her, it makes me pull my hair out.

This: "He looks the way I feel. Instinctively, I know what he wants." This is exactly what I mean, about why they're drawn to each other. They understand each other's damage in a way that no one else can, being damaged themselves.

*Sigh* Damn, Bella's so prickly. I get why, her self-worth is so non-existent she immediately takes any kindness as someone feeling sorry for her. I don't think Edward wanting to be friends with her is charity for Bella. I think it's charity for Edward. And maybe he thinks they can help each other.

Oh, my God. Oh. Poor Edward. Damn. His reaction to losing the bracelet made me cry. Josie's bracelet. The pain he feels is hurtful to ME. Damn Jada, quit that shit! :/

Urk, I don't have enough time before I leave to read the next chappie, I'll be chewing my nails to bits wondering what happened!

kneon said...

Well that explains the hands in the pocket. Its his way to keep the panic attacks at bay.

I also agree with some of the others they are both damaged in the same way, that is why they kind of need each other.