September 14, 2011

EPOV outtake of Chapter Eight

Song I rocked to write:
'Sweet Dreams' by Emily Browning


I watch the sun rise.

In the living room...slumped down in a chair, facing the floor to ceiling windows. 

Watch it peek out over the horizon and slowly dismiss the black that had settled over the surface of the city.

Watch it burn light across the stiil water of the Puget Sound. 

Watch it illuminate the walls of the room until it's so fucking bright that I tilt my head back and close my eyes.

For the first time in hours.

I look to the clock on the wall.

6:46 a.m.
Four hours. Four fucking hours I've sat here and just...stared.

Watching the city...the lights...the sun...and not seeing any of it.

I push the heels of my hands into my eyes...hard. 

Until it hurts.

Until there's only bright white behind my eyes.

Until I can't hear her...see her...smell her hair.......feel her little hands.


I wrench my hands from my eyes and bury them in my hair, leaning forward, elbows on my knees.

Breathe, Edward. Fucking breathe. Get your shit together.
But memories are a bitch.


And so is the rest of the goddamned world. Today is booked solid, which means it'll be one, long insufferable test of my patience. Meetings, proposals, and another groundbreaking. Incompetent slackers and ignorant half-assers. 

I scrub my hands over my face as I think of what a pain in the ass today is going to be. Especially running on only two hours of sleep.

They're getting worse....more frequent.

I stand up and head to the shower, reaching into my pocket for what I know is there.

For what is always there.

And only when I feel the links, warmed from my body heat, do I breathe just a bit easier.


Too far. 
I'm running as fast as I can.
My throat and chest burn from the exertion.
But she's too far away.
So fucking far.
I can't reach her.
I fight and push and thrash my arms and legs until I can't anymore.
Until the burn is too much. Until I feel like I might die.
I collapse on my hands and knees...head bowed...panting and wheezing and gasping for breath. 
The hurts so fucking bad. It stabs and digs and gouges at me.
I look up...and there she is...bright and soft and beautiful. 
My baby girl.
"Daddy's right here. Daddy's coming..."
I reach my hand out to her, but she's still too far from me. I try to rise and only manage to get up on my knees. 
"S'okay, Daddy. No cry."
I hadn't even felt the tears, trailing down my face and over my lips.
I reach up and swipe them away, hating that she already saw it. Never wanting her to see me this way.
"I'm okay. It's okay. Come here, baby. Come and see Daddy."
My voice breaks at the end as I stare at her.
The little waves of blonde hair...her wide blue eyes and pouty pink lips. 
A sob rips from me, before I can stifle it.
Oh, God.
Please, please let it be real.
Her face falls then.
"I gots to go now, Daddy."
My panic is instant and severe...slicing me right down the middle as I cry out.
Blackness slowly curls in from every direction, billowing and swirling like smoke around the two of us.
Faster and faster it twists and circles us.
I struggle and fight against whatever immobilizes me, keeping me from rising to my feet.
Suddenly, the tempest of black stills in place.
The only sound is my heavy breathing...until I hear her little voice again.
"Carry you, Daddy?"
Her arms are lifted up, reaching for me.
Before I can react, the blackness resumes its tirade. It wraps itself around my baby girl and faster than I can blink...she's gone, just empty air where she once was. 
The pain that overtakes me is so fierce, that I collapse to the ground, crippled from the weight of it. It's then that I realize that I've regained my mobility. But it's too late to matter. I roll onto my back and clutch at my chest, writhing and crying out.
"No, God please. NOOOOOOOOOO"

My back shoots off of the bed and I'm sitting upright before I'm even fully awake.

My bare chest heaves and my skin is drenched in sweat.

When my eyes finally focus on the bedroom...

I fall apart....

Clutching the sheets at my sides and screaming out into the strangled voice echoing in the empty room.

Hating the fresh wave of pain that ripples through me each and every time I wake up.

As if it isn't bad enough in the waking hours.

As if I don't suffer every mother fucking day and night.

Every time I think it can't hurt anymore...

Every time I think that it's all that I can take...


It was just a dream...again. They're getting worse. And more frequent.
Every night now.

Every fucking night, it's the same thing.

A different place, a different time, different words spoken...but the same torture.

Over and over and over.

Some are worse than others. 

At least tonight, I didn't have to feel her. 

I didn't have to hold her in my arms and have her ripped from me.

When I wake, the anger is always heightened. 

The constant rage I feel is worse...nothing short of brutal just after I wake.

I stand on shaky legs and walk down the hall and into the kitchen, taking a glass from the cupboard and filling it with ice-cold water. 

It burns going down.

I'm pretty sure it's from the screaming. 

It's not like I have any way  to confirm it, but I know.

I can tell by the raw, scratchy way my throat feels.

I lean against the counter and turn my face when a tiny glint catches my eye.

Fucking wedding invitation. I don't think so. 
I make a mental note to have Jacob take care of it.

I have no desire to go there. 

To see them. 

Thinking of their faces triggers a fresh round of unwanted memories.

Thoughts of a time I want more than anything to forget, but that won't set me free.

Anger and exhaustion merge together and boil through my veins as I pull my arm back, launching my empty glass and watching it shatter against the of the column in the dining room.

I pull at my hair in frustration and stomp back down the hallway in search of my cell, not giving a second thought to the mess. It's what the fuck I pay the maid for. 

I need a distraction.

I find it on the nightstand and type a message out to Isabella.

She answers immediately.

Of course she does.
But when I see the words, I grit my teeth and dial her number.

"H-hello?" The pathetic way she answers the phone incenses me.

"Isabella." I don't bother hiding my ire. No fucking point.

"Yes." Her voice is quiet. Weak. I roll my eyes and get to the point. 

"I can't is not an acceptable answer. As a matter of fact, I don't recall asking you a question."

I'm pacing the floor at the foot of my bed now, completely wired.

"I...I have to be at work-" 

I cut her off, beyond aggravated as she stumbles over her words.

"What time do you get off?"

"Two in the morning"
"My place. Three o', Isabella."

I hit the end button and toss the phone onto the bed.

She'll be here. Of course she will. Five hundred dollars guarantees it.

Greedy fucking whore.


It was harder this time.

The dream.

I could hear her...but I couldn't see her.

I couldn't see anything.

Complete darkness surrounded me, standing between us.

And the crying...

Her little tears...the muffled sniffles.

The one and only thing I did see, was that bitch's smug face just before I came to.

I was a fucking basket case when I finally woke up. It'd felt like I was stuck there for days.  

The alarm clock read 2:49 a.m.

A whole fucking three hours of sleep.
I blindly reach across to the nightstand and grab what I know is there.

What is always there as I sleep.

The links are cool now, as they always are when I wake. They feel good...soothing against my heated palm as I hold it, twirling it and slinking it between my fingers.

I startle when I hear a knock at the door, sitting up and stowing my talisman safely inside the nightstand drawer. 

I pull out a condom before I close it back, and head for the door.

She's waiting there outside the door, looking flushed and out of breath. Her eyes are scanning me, head to toe. 

So fucking typical.

No use in wasting any time.

I pull her in by her arm and slam the door behind her and making my way to the bedroom.

When I push her face down onto the bed, she doesn't even protest. 

Just falls in line like always.

The same as when I spread her legs with my knees and hoist her ass up into the air by the panties that I specifically told her not to wear.

She's either deaf or fucking stupid. I couldn't have been any clearer about what a waste of time they are.

I fist them as hard as I can to get my point across to her.

Like a bitch in heat, she juts her ass out and shifts her hips in the air.

She fucking gets off on this shit.
She stays silent when I speak to her, just the way I like it. I have no interest in hearing anything that comes from her mouth. 

You heard one lie, you heard 'em all. 
Her panties are dripping fucking wet when I shove them in her mouth.

Let's see her forget about them now.
I slap her tight little ass, knowing she'll take it. Knowing I could do just about anything I want to her as long as that little white envelope is there on the table by the front door.

Surprise, surprise. She turned out to be just like all the rest. 

"What am I going to do with you, Isabella? Fucking whore that you are. I wonder how many poor bastards have dipped into this. Were you as bad of a listener for them as you are for me, huh?"

I slap my palm against her pussy and shove three fingers inside her, tired of waiting. Ready to get off and get her ass out of my sight. Disgusted at the thought of how many times she's probably done this. Girls like her don't end up where she is on accident.

Bent over, ass up about to be fucked into oblivion for the sake of money. 

She fucking bucks back against me and moans, driving my point home.

A different face flashes behind my eyes and I clench them shut, forcing her out of my mind. Hating how the thought of her sneaks up on me, even still.

A surge of anger races through me and I act on it, pulling my fingers out and slapping her soaked little pussy.

One...two...three...four times.

"Even gagged, you can't keep that mouth closed, can you?"

I roll the condom on and climb up and over the top of her, straddling her thighs from behind.

"Maybe I should try it on both ends, huh?"

When she stretches her body out and grips the edge of my mattress, I'm struck with the urge to laugh at her.

She'd done her little song and dance at first. Played the part of a woman whose delicate fucking sensibilities were offended, but here and now...this is what she really is.




Completely void of any goddamned self respect. 

Well, she was going to earn every penny.
She so wet, I'll have to change my fucking sheets when she leaves.

I tease her with my cock...sliding it up and down the crack of her ass. 

Making her wait. 

Making her suffer.

Serves her right.

I slap her ass and talk all the shit I want to her, knowing she won't fight back.
It's fucking pathetic.
She's so worked up I can smell her.

"Greedy...cock hungry...inconsiderate...little...whore."

I slam into her and waste no time setting my pace.



Fucking her without mercy.

I pull back on her hair and drive into her harder and harder.

Wanting to feel something...anything else.

Wanting this to be over...wanting her out of my goddamned sight.

Willing away all of the thoughts that plague me.

Day in and day out.

I close my eyes and concentrate on this. On the burn. On the sensation deep in my abdomen...focusing on it to keep everything-

My concentration is broken when I feel her clamp down on my cock.

She's fucking coming.
I lose my train of thought and the shit storm washes back over me, dominating my head and overpowering my composure.


I fuck her even harder...even faster. 

Barely feeling a thing this time.

Just wanting to end this.

To get her the fuck out of here...before I break.

I can feel my composure slipping away.

It's starting.

Fuck, not now.
Not yet.

Just before I come, I snatch her ass up into the air and penetrate her even last ditch effort to wrap this shit up.

I drop her back to the bed and pull out, ripping the condom off and shoving my cock back in between her ass cheeks. I push them together around myself and come down her back and ass.

I back away from her and the bed, careful in my breathing until I'm behind the bathroom door.

I close and lock it, sinking to the floor and pressing my back against the cold tile of the wall behind it.

My chest is tight and my hands begin to sweat.

I try to concentrate on my slow it down.

My fucking heart is pounding in my chest so hard, I can hear it in my ears.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I press my forehead to them and pray that this time, it passes faster.



BellaBedazzled said...

I just happened to check your blog you sneaky thing and I find this gem. Edward is some kind of hot mess. Thanks for the outtake and a look into the mind of this seriously screwed up man.

Ciaobellainga said...

Wow! A bit of a surprise. Thank you for that. I sometimes check in on the blog as well. Glad I did!

Holy Mother of Pearl! This poor man is all kinds of messed up! Heartbreaking when he dreams about his baby girl. He was sooo cruel to Isabella during their "arrangement". And, soo wrong about her too (her reasons for agreeing to do this). I need more answers tho. Really, about both, but esp about Edward. How long had he been paying for angry, rage-filled, sex? Bella couldn't have been the first. What happened when she ended things? What led up to him seeking her out to apologize? Almost seems like part of a 12-step prog, to make amends. And, of course, what in the world happened to his little girl, and his family?

Keep writing Jada. Such a great story. I'm sure you will have answers for us soon enough. I'll be checking in! xo

bakergirl24 said...

OMG, What a fucking dick. At first I wanted to say he was so wrong about Bella, but in the end...she was enjoying it. She hated herself for it and the part he was wrong about was the fact that this was not a repeat performance with other men. I wonder if he told himself that because deep down inside he knew what he was doing was wrong and used it as an excuse for his bad behavior.

Thank you for sharing this side of Edward with us. I hope we get a view into his thoughts at a later date. I would love to know what triggered his change.

Thanks for sharing. Take care and peace. T.

Charmie said...

So we know Isabella was a mess....her low self esteem and self worth. Even she doesn't know why she took what she did from Edward. But today we learned a little about him. How he could have misunderstood her so dearly!!!

What an epic shitstorm this story is!!!!

colpodifulmine said...

holy shit! esto fue increĆ­ble, bueno, espectacular!

Nonita said...

Thanks for the outtake...He was really amazing.

flyrbrd said...

Love the outtake! They are one of the best things about fan fiction. I can't wait for EPOV when he realizes he needs to apologize to Bella ;)

LetRobstenLuv4ever said...

Wow its heart breaking to read his agony but also to read how he treated Bella to cope with it. I too wish there to be an outtake for when he realizes he has been wrong to treat Bella like this. Although the lemon was a treat to read I would much rather read a lemon that they were both emotionally enjoying. Shit I would be happy with some heavy make out time right now. Also, still we relly don't have any answers as to wtf happen to his family? Super story but I do get frustrated waiting so long for answers and some kind of physical relationship to start again with E and B.

Iris~Elli said...

I liked reading it before, and it is a good reminder now of what mind state Edward was in. He used Bella for his, Pleasure? I wouldn't even call it that. "I need a distraction." He used her to avoid his feelings. The feel something different from the pain and anger he always feels, but then he takes those feeling s out on her too, the panic attacks still come. The memory of his little girl. Her bracelet talisman, explains more of his panic attack when he lost it. He thought so little of Bella. It was what he did to keep her at arms length. to not let her in. But she made her way in little by little. He called her a whore to make what he did to her OK in his head.
The guy has come a long way since then.

ooza said...

Very interesting. It was always a mystery, what was going through his head during their meeting. Never could have imagined the hostility toward Bella and his near breakdown. Guess he wasn't secretly infatuated with her after all, at least not at this point.

FanFicCrazy said...

Wow.. When FYW first started we knew it had to be anger driving him. He couldn't have really be that big of an asshole. I mean it's E right?!?! Then we learned it probably had something to do with his daughter. And now we know he's sorry for it. So this outtake confirms a lot for me. I loved it but damn, made my heartbreak for him. Well, actually for both. Because everything he thought about her in some way it true. Except for her doing it with others. She's attracted to him. He says "typical" she'll do it for the money, she was enjoying it, etc.. All true. Which is why she hated herself over it. I hurt for them both.. I'm glad they're getting in a better place.

Thanks for the bonus Jada!

5phalenes said...

Personally I think this Edward is irredeemable regardless of his loss. His vile thoughts only correspond to his vile actions which are represented from a BPOV in the other Chapter 8. Loss does not create monsters unless the monster already exists within. His inner dialogue during the sexual encounter is horrifying and vilely degrading -- and, he admits at one point, that he knew that he was taking advantage of Bella's unfortunate physical and psychological state when he began this business proposition. I guess I can understand Bella's need for degradation ,but I will not accept Edward's excuses for his abuse toward a young, troubled and truely innocent woman. It will take a whole lot of chapters and a whole lot of suffering on his part to at all convince me that he is worthy to call himself a human being.-- Any kind of overnight redemption or revelation will not make up for his dehumanization of what should be a pleasurable physical act between equals. He doesn't deserve to be treated decently.The fact that Bella climaxes is totally irrelevant because rape victims do experience climaxes and he is no more than a rapist in my viewpoint.

Rob's hand monkey said...

I'll get back to you on this one...walks away scratching her head and mumbling to herself...

Anonymous said...

wow, like i really wanna know wat made Roughward sooo fucked up mentally ... great outtake Jadalulu

Rory said...

It brought tears to my eyes reading about his little daughter in his dream and I felt some empathy for him... as I have over the last several chapters to some degree. Then reading about his opinion of women and Bella in particular... she is just a sexual toy to him... not even human, my empathy vanishes - well most of it and it is replaced with dislike. Doesn't he realize that not all women are the same, case in point -his little girl, who will be a woman some day.

That being said, it was interesting to read Edward's POV. It was not much different then I suspected. The only thing that surprised me was that he had a panic attack after screwing Bella. I wonder does this happen every time? If you ever do an EPOV for this story I would be really interested in one from the day that Bella left the note saying "Sorry" and his reaction to when she did not return. Thanks for this update though too.

joli cullen said...

I loved to read it again thanks
Bella POV is waiting to happen
I know why I act that way Edward

divalicious408 said...

WoW!! listening to the song and reading!! felt the tension and anger of the chapter. :) loved the look into edwards view.. cant wait for more.

twimom0974 said...

Wow!!! what insight. Loved this outtake. Your writing is incredible.

Keye Cullen said...

I am loving me some EPOV!! Interesting that Edward's grief over his child equates to wanting to have some hot mess sex! I guess we all deal with things differently! LOL!!

Noticed that another person asked if Isabella was the first that Edward has had this arrangement with....a valid question for sure.

Loved the outtake!! Can't wait to read more!


Olena said...

What the hell happened to his daughter??? She's not dead but he act as if she were.... Was she abducted? Was he led to believe she was dead?
I can't wait to find out all the answers!

fr_larsson said...

*phew* that was one heavy chapter, loved to hear Edwards POV and the deamons he has to fight.

best wishes, Linda xoxo

PNW Luna said...

Interesting relationship dynamics going on in Bella's life.

First there is Bella's abusive father that commits suicide.

Second a cold mother, devoid of any emotion.

Angela her former co-worker had a really coarse personality.

Then she establishes "the arrangement" where in she takes abuse from the woman hating "EC Asshat" in exchange for money.

The first decent relationship she has is with her mentor/boss.

No wonder when the story jumps ahead we find her living a solitary life. I can't believe she still manages to function without anti-depressants.

Compare her background with his. His parents are at the opposite end of the spectrum from hers. Yet he is narcissistic and suffers from an almost crippling anxiety disorder. He dislikes everyone, females in particular, with the exception of his daughter.

So, did he start out as a nice guy that was a bad judge of character. Choosing the wrong people to hang out with and get turned to the dark side by a gold digger? Or was he always an asshat and drove drove his babymamama away taking their kid with her?

Crazy isn't it? Despite her background, She seems to be in a better place than him.

Can't wait to get more of his back story. Meanwhile I would like to see Bella overcome her past and discover ways of finding joy. She needs more happiness in her life besides jogging every day and rough sex. Can she discover a new passion like photography, writing, or some other form of art. Just saying she needs some beauty in her life...

Jess said...

Gosh this Edward makes me sick! I have never liked this Edward and dont care for the sex. The way he treated Bella is disgusting and I dont think she should ever forgive him, even if she enjoyed the sex(which irritates me so much!). There is absolutely no reason for the way he treated her, I dont care if he was greiving his daughter. Bella did nothing to the bastard and for someone who loves his daughter so much, I would think wouldn't want to treat any female like a whore they can control and make fun of since his daughter will be a woman someday. I'm sure the prick wouldn't want her to be treated like that by some asswhole of a man. I dont get how he can be excused by so many with how disgusting he was to Bella just because of the hot sex and because of his daughter that he doesn't have with him. Since he seems to be so rich, why the heck doesn't he have his daughter with him? did he find out later that she wasn't his bio daughter when his child's mother took her and maybe left him for that man? This story is SO slow and doesn't seem to be moving at all and can Edward and Bella have more dialog instead of just what they are feeling and thinking for 98% of each chapter? I really just want to find out about their past already. I dont get why Edward is more screwed up than Bella? she had a way more messed up life than he did. No friends, no family that cared ever about her, no money, working all the time just to get by, and then treated like shit by a man she was attracted too, called her a whore(which is true, she did agree to be his whore, but still) and told her she was nothing to him, etc... No wonder she doesn't go out on dates or anything. Most of the people she new treated her like she was nothing her whole life. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to commit suicide.
All we know about Edward, is that he has a daughter he hasn't seen in years, which changed his behavior when she was taken from him. I mean she's not even dead and he acted that bad? Gosh I wonder what he would have done if she had died.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I... just wow. Jada I'm speechless.

Thank you for this look into Edward's mind, I just GOD! I don't know what to say!

Tati said...

this outtake just broke my heart out. omg, I didn't know I could feel even more sorry for Edward, or for Bella. just, wow.
Thanks for the outtake. Looking forward to the next chapter.

kat said... this a while ago during FGB for the tsunami I believe. Poor Edward, he's a mess. It will be interesting to see whose face he's trying to forget theat keeps flashing in his mind's eye.

Blondemel47 said...

Loved reading again after FGB Tsunami. Feel sorry for him even tho he's an Assward & evenmore so for Bella - her upbringing was crap & she deserves some Love & tenderness. People say Edward shouldnt treat Bella the way he did & whilst he was wrong to do so - she didnt have to be there - she went for the money & in the end there was some pleasure in a sad kind of way. It takes two - he didnt rape her! So dying to read more & see how these two get on - pls post soon.

Soni'sAngel said...

Hi Jada, I loved reading this EPOV once again since FGB Tsunami. This gives so much more insight into his pain and explains a bit about why he is such an ass. Love this story and hopefully we will get another outtake showing the reasons for his change of heart toward Bella.

b.krumova said...

I read and reviewed that on FFN as soon as you posted it, but I really hate to read the first sentence again and again only because I check for updates twice a day. Please be kind on my soul and gimme some Roghie. Weeee :)

kelly said...

Jeez. He really is a mess. It's hard for me to believe him really believing Bella is a whore. I tight that was all an act on his part but now I'm not so sure...

Thanks for giving us EPOV!

Smitten said...

Wow. Thanks for the EPOV! I love getting a little more insight into Roughie.

You've got yourself some srsly complex (and fucked up) characters there, I can't wait to see how it all unfolds.

tigger1 said...

That was highly intense. And painful to read. He is suffering so much and he want someone else to suffer too.
Wow. Seriously well done.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this awesome story you are very very creative and talented and sure do have a way with words and how you use them to tell a story is amazing captivating genius therefore I am addicted PLEASE update soon I need my so yesterday;)~Vutha

Ciaobellainga said...

Please hurry back. I read the teaser, and I'm a bit distressed that he could just leave with nothing to say. Gaahhhh!!!!

Anonymous said...

are u planning an update? could u please inform us? thanks

Dandelion said...

Please write faster. I'm dying for more.

Dahlia B. said...

Pleeeeease at least tell us you haven't abandoned this story!! I know real life can get crazy, but I can't tell you how much I miss this Bella and Roughward! Anything -- even just a small teaser -- would be welcomed!

Thank you! :D

lisazj said...

Dammit! I never did want to feel sorry for Roughie, but Oh My God. That just HURT. No wonder he's nothing but a big ball of rage. No sleep, no rest, panic attacks, horrible nightmares, missing his baby & no one to lean on. Jesus.

Yeah, he was a bastard. But would I have been different? I can't know that, can I?

And yeah, he treated Bella horrendously. But she could have walked away at any moment. She didn't for a long time though. She took what she needed from him too, for herself.

So they both are majorly fucked up. But can you put all the blame on Edward. For his own actions? Ok. But for Bella taking it? I dunno. I'm so conflicted, lol.

After those nightmares, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to shake my sympathy for him.

Very, very well done Jada. That's some poweful stuff!